Closing Doors

I sit here with so much to say. But I find that there is no one to say anything to that would quite get it, and no words in my vocabulary that would quite do it justice.

Right now, I feel like I'm at this threshold. I'm, in a way, stuck. The roller coaster is moving, and I have to keep both arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. But in this case, the roller coaster is life. I'm stuck on it, and I don't have a choice. Before you read into this more than you need to, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid. I'm just really numb at this point.

I hate the lather, rinse, repeat these days. It's the same song and dance, day in and day out, with absolutely no chance of an adventure unless it involves something going wrong. I'm not complaining that things go wrong, and to that effect I know, understand, and actually am glad that there are struggles in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I am to complain about anything, it would be the skip in the CD. The part where nothing is moving forward. The track is stuck on the same beat of the same measure of the same song and it has been for a bit longer than I feel comfortable with.

And the odd thing of it all? I'm not upset about it. I hate it, and it's uncomfortable, but I'm not upset. I would be a liar if I said that I was pleased with everything in my life right now. But I would also, to that same effect, be a liar if I said that I was displeased. What gets me is that I really cannot find a single soul who I could explain this to that would get it. Not one person. And that isn't to say that my high and mighty struggles are 'so unique' and different from everyone else's, it's just to say that right now I don't know anyone that would get it. I feel like when I left Towson last semester to embark on my summer adventures, I had an incredible community here. Upon returning, I feel like there is barely anything left of what was. That's not a blow on anybody at all, it just feels far different than I remember, and I cannot explain why.

This is why, for now anyways, I'm taking an extended break from this blog. And from a few other similar things as well. I'm not going to talk all day, and not say anything that matters. We have limited time here on this planet, and I cannot be wasting it shouting to the stars, waiting for someone to hear. It changes nothing, and effects no one. I'm going to be finding my voice, whatever it may be, and find people willing to listen to what I have to say. I know my words aren't terribly important to anyone in particular, not even to myself, but if I can use them towards something good, instead of talking to empty space, that is how I will choose to use them. Shouting in to the dark is only effective if there are people there willing to listen.

So until then, I'll save face, keep walking, lather, rinse, and repeat. 

Good and Faithful Servant

It's a hard thing, discovering how much of your faith is talk. When the rubber hits the road; that's when you find out what God really means to you, and where He stands in your life. 

Fall retreat last year. Things changed for me. I had known about God, but never really known him. Not REALLY known him. I thought I did. But as you know, just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true. It was there that I discovered what God really meant to me, and I caught a small, tiny, minuscule sliver of how much He loved me, and it was entirely overwhelming. 

As I wrestled with my thoughts, and was discovering what my faith looked like through Christ, I discovered a passage that changed things. Matthew 25:14-28. 

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

With this, came a thought: What would be more amazing than to go home to Christ, and hear him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant"? 

So for roughly a year, I have been living with this mentality. In EVERYTHING that I do, I do it with this in mind. Would I be a good and faithful servant by doing X? 

The way I see it, is at the end of the day, you have to judge if what you are doing is glorifying to Christ. If it brings him glory. Are you living for him?

This is all easy to say, but like I said earlier, it's when the rubber hits the road that you find out how strong your faith really is. 

I've had tests of faith throughout the year. Plenty of them. Things that I have had to cling to God to get through. I haven't done good on all of them, and I would be a liar if I said that I walked through them all perfectly. I didn't, and haven't, and I still stumble. Often. But those were little battles, in the grand scheme of things. You may recall (if you read this ever), that my last blog was a little bit on the emo side. That is the result of a man who was going through the hardest three days he had faced in a very, very long time. And honestly, for a second there, it didn't look like things were going to go so great. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and angry at life. In many ways, I was seeing God's plan, and not liking where it was going. In many ways, being perfectly honest, I still am struggling with where it is going. But I have this amazing friend, who encouraged me tremendously. He broke it down like this:

It's so easy to follow God when it's what you want. It's like you are going with the current. You have the power of God pushing you in a forward motion. It's when God's plan goes the complete opposite way of what you want that you decide what's important. What does your faith mean to you? Is it like a membership card that you parade around, doing good works for all to see? One of those things to have just so people like you? Or is it something that you swore to follow, no matter the cost. No matter what it meant to you or your well being. You may not get God's plan right now. You may never get it until the day you die. But what's it worth to you?

In a way, I'm finding out how hard it is to be a good, faithful servant. But you know I'm sure, for what it's worth, that whatever demons I'm facing right now, and whatever hardships there are, absolutely melt away. They are nothing when you can hear Christ say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

And that's the light at the end of this tunnel that shines no matter where I am. 

Angles

Ding!

That's the sound of an epiphany.

This particular epiphany is brought to you by literally no sleep, a depressing work day, and a long car ride with very few working traffic lights. In case you were wondering.

So what is this epiphany? I can't outright tell you, because you won't read any further.

I want you to picture a city. You live in this city, and as such, you are always caught up in the daily workings of it. You don't leave this city, because you have no need to, and it doesn't cross your mind. Picture, for a second, what this looks like. The crazy, busy, insane workings, and the hustling of people, always scurrying about to their destinations.

Okay, now stop thinking about the city. We will come back to it in a second.

I've been having a lot of deep talks with a good friend, in which we have been talking about what we want to be for God. The idea of a mirror was brought up, and I like this idea, because I don't want to be seen, but instead want to reflect Christ. Sometimes, actually more often than not, I fail at this, but it is still a worthy goal to strive for. But there was an interesting thought that was talked about. I know this may seem odd to think about, but what is the angle of the mirror? See, it's easy enough to be a mirror. All you have to do is reflect what you see around you, good or bad. But what is the angle? If it's at a 90 degree angle, you just show someone themselves, and what they want to see. I honestly struggle with thins a lot; being who I think people want me to be rather than who I actually am. Then there is the other extreme of a 180 degree angle. You may see God, but who are you reflecting to? No one can see you. It is you and God, but you are shut off to everything else. Now picture a 45 degree angle. Where people look at you and see God. It's a glorious thing, if you think about it. This thought has been in my head for the past few days. God gave me a question that I was looking for the answer. "What's your angle, Ryan?"

It's been tough. Honestly. It has been really tough trying to find the answer to a question that I really didn't even know how to approach. I couldn't see what it was, no matter how hard I tried. and it has been a struggle. But God answered the question. He does that often. He answered the question, "What's your angle, Ryan?", but not even a little how I expected him to.

Go back to the city. What does it look like? Can you get a full view of the city from inside it? If so, you either have the nicest, tallest building in the city, or it is a small city indeed. God gave this analogy to me, clear as day. I see my self as this city. I see the inner workings. I see my mind, and how it works, and how I think I am to the world. Good, bad, ugly; I see it all. But what kind of angle am I really looking at the city from. Ground view? Lame. It looks completely different if I take to the air. Say now, that you are in a helicopter, high above the city. Imagine how much different this city looks. You almost wouldn't be able to recognize it.

Today, I stepped back, and saw myself. Not how I see myself, but how others see me, as the result of a brutally hilarious and depressing work day. It wasn't easy. And it was painful for sure. But man, it did wonders.

See, we constantly try and see ourselves in a certain light. We try to see ourselves as better than we probably are in some aspects, and worse off in others. It's sobering, and amazing, however, if you can see yourself for how you really are.

I'm not going to drag this out, because I don't think I have to beat this one in, and I'm really tired.

Just ask yourself: "What's my angle?"

Identity Theft

I really don't know how I feel about things today. I think second rate properly describes it.

Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.

I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:

What do I have to offer the world?

I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.

No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?

And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?

And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.

Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.

And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts. 

Swimming to the Other Side

If life was a cake, this past week would be the most delicious of them all.

This past week basically brought to close the most amazing summer I have ever been alive. I don't even know what to say honestly. How can I summarize everything that I have seen God do this summer? Truth is, I can't. At all. Not even a little. But I'm going to try.

This summer started with a trip to North Africa. I am still processing it, to be honest. The things that I saw, the people I met, and the things I did. It was probably the hardest six weeks of my Christian walk hands down. It seemed so hopeless at parts, and the pace was slow at parts of it. But the secret was that there was still a pace. There was still movement; a forward motion in the direction of hope and salvation. It was like seeing a wave before it turns. There was a building of something, and while it may not come to a front in many years, it is still there, and there is still hope. Learning that there is hope in the darkest of places is a hard lesson, and it is terribly hard to stay strong throughout it all. But God not only helped me survive it, He helped me make a differences, albeit a small one. But every piece of the puzzle is equally important.

Coming back was hard. I hit the ground marching to a different beat. I couldn't quite come to terms with the hopeless feeling of the smallness of me. An abstract view of me and the few that went with me who were trying desperately to bring hope to the hopeless. We were so few, trying to do so much. But this was important, and an important part of my summer.

Shortly after, my Mom started her job as a pastor at Waters Memorial Church, and all that entails. Taking a church by the reins, and moving forward in the most incredible ways. One of the cool parts of this is seeing all that goes into the process, and all of the awesome people who are behind her, also driven by God, helping her lead this church in the direction God is calling it. It's not the largest congregation, but there is still a love for Christ, and a hope to expand a spread the gospel.

This may all seem like ramblings of different events, but it all makes sense. Hang in there for a bit.

Right after that, God pulled some of his crazy God strings, and opened the door for me to get a job that for all intents and purposes, I should not have. One of the hardships of last year was pulling money out of nowhere to help fund the ministries I'm called to. Not an issue for that. god made a way for this to happen through this job. So now there is a clear path to the places I'm called this upcoming year, which is the most amazing of prayers answered, because last year was cutting things extremely close as far as finances go. It was hard, but God has made a way to help this burden.

Through the mist of all of this, there was this girl. As there tends to be in stories with happy endings. She encourages me, and builds me up in the most incredible. I feel extremely blessed to have her, more than words can say. It's almost as if my walk with God is built up that much more, because there is someone there who encourages me in ways no one else does. It's amazing. Kaitlyn, if you are reading this, you bless me daily. This weekend was a perfect example. Out of nowhere, you are there, and made things so much brighter.

But everything made sense after this past week. I was on the Appalachian Service Project (ASP), where we go and build houses for a week. And one of the things that happens on this week is we have evening gatherings, and we sing a song or two, and then have some sort of awesome event planned. One of the songs perfectly tied my summer in a huge bow, and brought forth a new understanding. Friday night, everyone on ASP sat around and was talking about their biggest God moment of the week. and as I looked around the room it hit me.

The song is called Swimming to the other side. and there is a lyric in the song that says "We are swimming in the stream together, we are swimming to the other side". And it hit me. I saw the scope of things. A tiny fragment of where God is moving, and how great the movement is. Together we are moving forward for Christ. Or better yet, it's like this:


God is doing GREAT things in North Africa. I have seen it. It is incredible.

God is doing GREAT things in the Appalachian Mountains. There is a love poured out to the people, and a living gospel showed.

God is doing GREAT things in Waters Memorial Church. It is a small and mighty soldier fighting for God, and ever expanding.

God is doing GREAT things in the ministries at Towson University. He is opening doors for the most incredible movements.

God is doing GREAT things in me. Plain and simple. I see God in a light I never have.

Big. Small. It doesn't matter. The truth of the matter is that all of the believers are moving for Christ.

Or, in other words, we are all swimming to the other side. 

Too Perfect Paranoia

Something is so wrong. I don't know what. But it is. And it's all my fault.

This is a short post, because I don't have much time to expand.

Do you ever feel like you forgot to lock the doors? Or something along those lines? The awful, pit of your stomach feeling? Yeah. It's like that. I feel like somehow I screwed up or pissed someone off, to a terrible degree, and I haven't the slightest clue who or what. There are so many different people in my life, and I know that I have messed up.

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that things are going too perfect, and I'm not used to it. At all. Maybe I haven't messed up. But I know I have. I just know. I can't explain it, but I know without a doubt that it's true. I feel like I have so much depending on me, and I'm never supposed to mess up. If I do mess up, I can never show it. Ever. It runs in the family. I own my mistake to the people I wronged, but keep it hidden to maintain face. It's awful, but the way I work. But this is far different. I don't know. It's just odd.

So this is a shout out. If I wronged you, hurt you, messed up, stepped on your toes, or have done anything to upset you in any way at all, let me know. Please. I don't care how big or small. If I have wronged you, I need to know. And I know that I have wronged someone out there. I pray that they will read this, and let me know. Because I simply cannot handle the fact that I have hurt you. 

The Incredible Saturday

Normally, I try and find a creative way to start these things. But today I can't think like that. I'm far to awestruck.

Do you ever have a God moment that absolutely brings you to your knees? It cripples you in a moment of incredible glory? That happened this morning, eating a bowl of rice crispies. Of all places.

This summer has been one long continuous stream of blessings. And over breakfast this morning, it hit me how stupidly blessed I have been this summer. My hands shake at the thought of it. My legs feel weak. Just an awesome wave of God's AWESOME glory. And the thing that get's me about it, is why? Of all people out there, surely there are people who deserve the amazing blessings that God has laid upon me this summer more than I do. I'm not always faithful and good; I stumble more than I would like to admit in every aspect of my life, and yet the God of the Universe decides to bless ME with the incredible things that He has?

Woah. 


This past Saturday feels like a pivotal point in my story. And it's when I really started to notice how much God has blessed me. See, Saturday was incredible for three big reasons. First, it was Justin and Molly's wedding. Go get 'em you two. They have an incredible future together, I just know it. And my second reason comes from that. I feel like Saturday officially marks the end of College Park for me, and everything it was to me. Everyone that was there, any reason I would have of going back is gone. This is bittersweet in a way, because there were some freaking fantastic times at Pontiac St. And I will never forget them. I made friends like Kevin, Justin, and Chris that have really meant a lot to me. But, with that place there also lies the person I used to be, who I claim no ownership for. He is dead and gone. And this Saturday was the last nail in that Coffin. And then, to top off the incredible Saturday, this incredible girl decided to make me extremely happy. Somehow a guy like me getting a girl like her. I swear I don't deserve her.

But that's what I'm saying. I don't deserve ANYTHING. At all. At my core, I have been a scumbag full of treachery and sin. and God loves me enough to bless me like he has? I am incredibly awestruck.

This summer has been incredible. God is blessing me daily. And moving into the semester will be the same way. One of my best friends will not only be stateside, but living with me. I have a job that I should not have. I have a girlfriend that, as aforementioned, is a blessing every single day I get to know her. My classes are easy, my friends are around me, my God loves me.

That's all I can ask for, at the end of the day. Literally, all that I want. Absolutely everything. How can one NOT be awestruck? 

A Case of the Fears

I remember it as clearly as I write this. I was twelve years old, and I was scarred.

I had this dream, the first of many nightmares that I remember, in which systematically everyone I loved was ripped out of my life in gruesome and terrible ways. My family was killed off in different ways, moments apart from each other, and I was helpless, and could do nothing but watch.

I've had nightmares as long as I can remember. Dreams of mine more often than not, whenever I remember them, regardless of how they start, end terribly. I have countless recollections of one awful nightmare after another, and while I've learned how to handle them, at twelve, it was a completely different ballgame. I woke up scarred. Not in the night terror sense. I didn't wake up screaming or crying. I was petrified, and couldn't move being stricken with that kind of fear.

But it's odd. I've noticed that fear has a much different meaning these days than it did for me back then, although what I'm afraid of really hasn't. It just manifests itself in different fashions. We all know that terrible "boogieman, monster in the closet" kind of fear. The one that later on down the road we would pursue with horror films. But somewhere down the road, fear seemed to change, didn't it? It seemed to become less of what goes bump in the night, and more about what goes wrong in the day. I know some people have fears like snakes or spiders still, but for me fear is something completely different, and after talking to a dear friend, I seemed to notice that today.

I look back at those nightmares, and it was a combination of things that I was afraid of. The sheer imagery of seeing killed in that way was awful, but deeper than that, it was losing everything that I love. I know this is a major anxiety of many people, which I would actually venture to say every person, but it is the one thing in life, that one big fear that haunts me. In those dreams, it was physical. Seeing them all die. But nowadays, it's more the "What the hell did I just do?" kind of fear. That walking on eggshells feeling that seems to dictate my every thought. And I've been able to see that this fear has roots in many places.

Today I just filed for more college loans. I'm even more in debt. Awesome. I always get this tingling, nail-biting feeling when talking to the bank on the phone, because I am further driving home the pressure of getting a job to support a family (God willing) out of college. I love and hate this, because in one sense, it keeps me accountable, but on the other sense, there is a fear of letting down and losing the family that I don't even have yet. It may not be as gruesome as that dream when I was 12, but it is every bit as petrifying. Because in those dreams I was helpless. In real life, it would be my fault.

So, one must wonder, where do we go with a fear hitting us like a freight train? I can think of other things, and give my self a quick fix, a sort of mental bandaid, and be on my way. But I'm not fixing the problem here, I am only running from my fears. Thinking about it, what is the opposite of fear? For the nightmares, it would seem courage would be a respectable answer, but it doesn't seem to help a whole lot. A guy with courage can jump out of a plane with no parachute, but he will still end up as a splat stain on a sidewalk. For me, I would say that the remedy for fear would be peace. Peace is knowing the fears and anxieties of life, whatever they may be, and handing them over to Christ. When looking up peace, I found John 14:47. I smiled big at this:

"Peace I leave you, and peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid."

Two birds, one awesome, God shaped stone. It's that peace that we find in Christ that pushes us through it. That peace that says "I'm terrified Lord, help me out here". Because when we ask for His help, He gives it to us, and when we need Him, which is always, He is there. Peace is knowing that there is a reason we are jumping out of the plane with no parachute, and trusting that God will not let us down. So why should we worry?

I end with a ridiculous thought. In the process of writing this, a song came to my head; one I haven't thought of in ages. It's from veggietales. It says something like "God is bigger than the boogieman. He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV. God is bigger than the boogieman, and He's watching after you and me.

If that isn't the simple truth, than what is?

The Mountains, The Pebbles

How can you pick up where you left off? How can you pick up the mantle of a life that is a far cry from what it used to be? This summer is only half over, and I feel like I'm a decade older after what I've seen.

God has done amazing things, and even sitting here writing this, I can't fathom all of the ways that he has opened doors for his love to be shown. I had a chance to go to Africa and spread the gospel, and people think that it is this act within itself that is what would be most life impacting. Not even. It's a whole lot deeper.

This journey starts January 1st. I went to Radiate with Cru, and after finding out about the trip to "Sam's Place", I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to go to this place. I have never been so sure of anything in my life, and honestly, it was terrifying. I was, and still am, on recovery road as far as my life goes. I wasn't ready for something like this. In many ways, I still feel that way, after the trip is already over. I was so sure of this, that I called my parents and immediately told them the plan. And it really isn't until I look at it from a retrospective view that I see how crazy that was, because God was already paving the road. I see it like this; I had never really heard God give me an order as clear as that. Ever. It was like a friend telling you he needs a favor. And I didn't want to.  It's easy to play face and be excited, but on the inside, I was counting the things that could go wrong over the things that could go right. But God was, and is, just getting started.

$5,000. There's no way. It's a lot of money, and with this limited amount of time, you just can't do it.

So many people said those words. Want to know what God said?

Here you go.

It came down to the final weeks, and God delivered in abundance. It's crazy. You hear of God giving bread to 5000, or walking on water. You always hear these great acts. This to me was just as profound as those. This past semester, God has been telling me that He is going to move mountains. Even writing this, and seeing things I did not even notice, I see that it is so very true. God moved mountains for this trip. But it's deeper than that; He moved mountains in me. I know that sounds as cheesy as an after school special, but it's more true than I can even describe. Keep in mind that all of this is before the trip. He was moving mountains in me before I left, but they seem like pebbles after this trip.

There are so many things that I wish I could tell you about the trip. I have to keep silent about many things for security reasons, because it was a closed trip, so the things that I can really go into is limited. That being said, what I can say is that God 100% broke me. He tore me down literally brick by brick from who I was when I left. Sam's place is predominately muslim. I never knew that much about the muslim faith or its people, but I can honestly say that in many ways, they put me to shame. I have never, in my life, EVER met people as hospitable and kind. Part of it is the country's culture, but the majority of it was their faith. It's a far cry from what you expect it to be. I mean, and this is no joke, people would throw themselves in front of a bus if they thought it would make you happy. If you go to someone's house and say, "That's a nice picture", they will wrap it up and give it to you right there. No exaggeration.

I'm sorry, what? Aren't WE supposed to be the ones like that? Aren't WE supposed to be the ones who show unconditional love to anyone who we pass, and open our doors to everybody? What is this? Think about that for a second. Don't just pass it by saying, "Oh, that's cool". Seriously think about how wrong this picture is. Our God, the God of love, who gave his Son to die for us because He loves us so much, has people who aren't showing as much love as the people who believe that God has no reason to love them?? Where is this logic? And more importantly, what have I been doing with my Love? Because it certainly isn't that.

Like I said, brick by brick. And to put it in a deeper perspective, that is one brick. Just one. He moved the wall of China in my heart. I give just one more example, because I could literally tell every single story, but I would be here for a week typing. But one more to drive it home.

When you go on a trip like this, what is it that you expect to do? Spreading the gospel is a fair bet, because after all, it is a mission trip, and that's what happens on these trips, right?

Not so much.

See, the ground in Sam's Place is not good. Honestly. It's illegal to spread the gospel, and if you throw in people who are just as strong in their faith, to vast misconceptions about Jesus, it is just not easy ground. It takes on average seven years for a muslim to turn to Christianity. Six weeks? It is not seven years. I was able to have three good spiritual conversations. Only three. And people may say, "Hey, that's three conversations". This is true, but perspective takes place.

That's what the average city streets were like. See all those people? They Don't know Christ. In their current state, simply put, they are going to hell.

so, perspective take place. Three conversations. That's it. It made me want to curl in a ball and die. I felt like such a failure. But this leads to one of the most incredible things that  learned on this trip. This will stick with me until the day I die.

It's not what you are doing. It's who you are being. 


There are things about the trip, people, images, friends, and events that will be forever burned into my brain. I will always wonder what happened to those people. But in the end, it is by God's grace that I am here, so I know they are not beyond reach. God's love and grace is unfathomable. I will never understand it until He calls me home. But I caught a glimpse of His love in a way that I never had on this trip. And I tell you now, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I know that all of these people can know the truth of Christ's love. And I know that it won't be easy, but God has done bigger things. A lot of people say it won't happen. But I know it will. I know it may seem like I'm trying to love a dream, but if that's the case I'll be sleepwalking until the day I die.

So how can I pick up where you left off? How can I pick up the mantle of a life that is a far cry from what it used to be?

Life goes on. Things continue to move in forward motion, including myself. Even being home for a week, I continue to see this World in a different light. And the crazy thing to me? This summer is only half over.

Ninety-Nine isn't One Hundred

Sometimes, it really bums me out to be a sociologist.

Not because of the insane amount of paper writing, or boring lectures. But because I see things in a way that people don't.

I see blatant racism where people say there is none. I see gender stratification where people see equality. I see homophobia where people see 'freaks'.

But the thing that gets me more than anything else, is that I seek out to find great acts of pain, hurt, sin, discrimination, inequality, and suffering, when most other people turn a blind eye.

It's not "relevant" to them.

For one of my classes, I had to go around and interview people on what they new about the riots and protests in North Africa and the Middle East. Long story short, no one really knew anything. I simply don't understand how people can live there lives in purposeful ignorance. It baffles me. This world is in so much pain. And people seem content to stay in their little bubble and be ok with that. I simply do not get it. So few people care about the Jardim Gramacho trash pickers outside of Rio, and the horrible conditions they live in. No one knows about Africa's deadliest war in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and the children being sent to die on the front lines. Closer to home, no one cares about the sex trafficking that happens right here in Baltimore.

As Christians, aren't we supposed to love people? Everybody?

What about these people? They need our love too. So where are we?

A lot of people say they cannot make a difference. This is simply a false statement. I recently learned about those trash pickers outside of Rio in a documentary called 'Waste Land'. Take two hours and go see it. It is incredible.

Anyway, one of the pickers, named Valter, was talking about the importance of everybody doing their part. This is a direct quote:

"People sometimes say "But one single can?" One single can is of great importance. Because 99 is not 100, and that single one will make the difference." 

Every. Person. Counts.

I leave you with a quote that my brother told me years ago, that I will carry until the day I die.

"Every man is guilty of the good he did not do."

If you can sleep well at night knowing you aren't doing a thing to make a difference, go for it. But know there out lives out there wishing that you had.

Stones

You are standing in a used car lot when you are approached by a salesman. He looks like he is hiding something; possibly plotting something, but he talks nice enough. He goes around and shows you all the cars for sale, guaranteeing that these are the best cars out there, and are a better deal than anything that you could ever buy, even fast and luxurious cars. He talks a good game, and the things he says makes sense, but you cannot seem to trust him. Everyone knows that car salesmen are greasy, and will swindle you six ways from Sunday if you aren't careful. He seems like a nice guy, but it looks like it is almost an act just to sell you a car. You can't see any reason to NOT trust him, but either way, regardless on how good the deals are, you can't bring yourself to trust him.

To anyone who pays attention to life, this should sound familiar. This is what people see when they think of Christians.

A few weeks ago, I had the displeasure to see what people really thought of Christians. I was in my theory class, and in this class we discuss and dissect a large number of readings. There was a reading on war through the eyes of Christianity, and it didn't take people long to show their mind towards us Christians.

I was mortified. Not because I was a Christian, but because us Christians have done such a terrible assignment of showing the Love of Christ. Absolutely awful. These classmates tore apart Christianity like a kid tears open presents on Christmas morning. I was the only Christian in the class, and when people saw this, they pointed their hostility towards me. It didn't take long for the professor to interject and change topics, but I still saw the face of how people see us. It makes me cringe.

In light of it all, our job as followers of Christ is a simple one: spread the Love of God. When it comes down to it, the bible is the greatest love story ever told, and we need to tell everybody about the wonderful truth that we know.

At what point did things go horribly, horribly wrong?

Yesterday, I watched 'Kingdom of Heaven' with my roommate. Great movie. It's about the crusades. I've always been interested in the crusades, so it was up my alley. The movie really focuses on the religion aspect of Islam and Christianity, and the flawed-ness of them both, because of the contradiction. While told to love, and to show love, we respond with war.

Some may say that this is a thing of the past, but I would disagree wholeheartedly. There is this air about us Christians that we put off that makes us say, "We are better than you". Part of this is socially constructed, but a lot is because we follow the stereotype so perfectly. We are told to show love, but we condemn others for their actions. I will show a certain example.

I know a lot of people who say they live to show the love of God. But the moment a homosexual enters the conversation, they change into this 'holier than thou' mentality, and condemn. They disregard the fact that God loves the homosexual as much as he loves them. But this fact is blindly obscured because the Christian isn't as bad as the homosexual. Their sin isn't quite as bad.

Now, I will say that homosexuality is a sin. Bible says so. BUT, that being said, I know very few people, if anybody at all, who do not struggle with sexual morality to some degree or another. I'm guilty of this too. But regardless of this, they cast stones, even though they suffer with the same category of sin: sexual immorality.

Matthew 7:3-5.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

So again I ask, how can we cast stones?

As I thought about the situation in the classroom, I wasn't surprised. We have done this to ourselves. We only have ourselves to blame for the way that Christianity is viewed. We need to love. We have to. There is enough hate in this world. There is enough violence, judgement, lies, and destruction. There is far to little love going around. Why would we want to hide what we know?

Our job is simple. The message is simple. So, I would say, let's simply do our job.

Maturity... Or Something Like It

Two.

That's the number in my head today. Two.

I have been alive for two entire decades, at approximately 10:04 tonight.

I know that people have these, "Oh no, I'm so old!" kind of thoughts at monumental events. Not me. I'm just a little awestruck that God has put me on this earth, and for twenty years, I have been alive.

And you know what? I feel as clueless as the day I was born when it comes to what I am doing here.

I know the purpose of my life. I've known that for some time, and while I have fought it from time to time, it has always been there. God wants me to serve others in my utmost and fullest capacity. It's that simple, and what that entails of isn't that hard. But what I can't seem to figure out is what I'm actually doing. Like, at what point did things get to where they are now? I feel as if I have let God and others down, but I can't quite figure out how. It's right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to formulate the words.

Do you ever leave the house, and feel like you have forgotten something, but have no clue as to what it is? I feel that way. About life. I feel like I have forgotten something massive; a giant oversight on my part. But I haven't the slightest as to what I'm missing.

I feel like a black sheep. I look around, and everyone is conforming. Not just to moral standards, but to everything. I see busy bees going to college and fighting to get a degree, to get a job, to get a family to, get... and the list goes on. I know our job as Christians is to be in the world and not of it, but how literal are we supposed to take it? I stop and think that this may not be what I want, and the light at the end of the tunnel is just a painted wall. By the time you reach it, you can't backtrack. You are stuck in that tunnel being crushed from behind by everyone else who was striving for the next thing. I don't want the tunnel at all. I want a different path: one that is harder, less beaten, and more abstract. I see where I'm going now though, and I don't like it.

Two decades of social conditioning has told me what I should be. Be a college graduate, get a job, get married, settle down, have kids, be stable, grow old, retire, die. That's the sequential order, right? Would I be downright crazy to say that this doesn't sound appealing to me? I've thought about this one quite a bit.

People tell me I could help by working a job for X company that helps X people struggling because of X. Uh, no? No thank you? At what point am I helping? I would rather actually help people than to work without knowing where my efforts are going, and sleep soundly saying, "it's for a good cause". Not even. I don't want to be part of the wheel. I want to BE the wheel. I want to be the person that is helping others. I don't want there to be any doubt in my mind that I am helping people. And this isn't about me proving myself. It's about me knowing that I'm doing God's will, and not just assuming that everything will be alright.

The real question is how can I break free from this picture perfect, suburban, picket fence, plastic life that I am quickly approaching?  Am I able to break free at all? Is this simply a quarter life crisis from the guy who just realized that he has been alive for two decades? Will this panic attack end soon?

Find out on the next episode of LIFE!

Regardless

I made an interesting discovery. That happens from time to time.

I've been feeling pretty torn up these days. Beaten to the ground to the point that I can't move. I'm not here to list my problems, but for followers sake, know they exist. Anyone who has seen me around can see it on my face, because I get the "Are you ok? You look awful!" thing a lot. So people know.

Well, Saturday I went to this amazing movement, which the event alone has been a blessing; seeing this idea brought to life because of a single faithful servant. But, at this event, I was asked to give my testimony.

I can not spell out how much I didn't want to.

When I was first asked, I was all for it. I love using my bad life choices to bless others. If one good thing can come from it, it is that. But after the week I had been having prior, I felt like 100% not doing it. It felt hypocritical to be up there talking when I feel that God and I still were hashing things out in a major way in my life.

But regardless, my word is my bond, and even though I felt like darkness in a light place, I ended up sharing. Now, I would be a liar if I said that by sharing my testimony, everything was made better. It didn't, and for a while afterwards, I felt no different. I simply got up there, smiled, and told what God has done in my life, and sat back down. It wasn't until after the event that God showed me something cool.

So, one of the biggest honors that God gives us is the privilege to serve. Serve him, and serve others. I abundantly love this. And while it sometimes it feels like a burden, let's be honest, what doesn't at times? Even when I felt so terribly low, God gave me this privilege to serve, and I completely missed the fact that what I was doing for him.

Which leads me to the previously aforementioned discovery. I know this sounds really, really simple, but follow my thoughts on this: God wants to use us when we don't want to be used.

I know this sounds so basic and rudimentary that it can be passed over, but I believe that often this is missed. We say, "I don't feel like doing X. I'm too stressed, I have too much going on. I have... ect." I can't count the amount of times that I have not done something because I feel too drained, or I feel stressed. And I see others do it as well. Not pointing blame, just making an observation. This leads me to the bulk of my discovery:

REGARDLESS of if we think we can't.

REGARDLESS of if we don't want to.

REGARDLESS of excuses we make.

REGARDLESS of whatever sins we have done.

REGARDLESS of who we have been.

REGARDLESS of what we tell ourselves.

God has called us to serve, regardless of where we are in life; high or low. He didn't ask for excuses, he asked for good and faithful servants. And even if I can't walk, he's not going to just drop me. I will always have the tools to serve. If I have breath, I have a resource to serve others.

If you can't run, you walk.

If you can't walk, you crawl.

If you can't crawl, he's gonna carry you.

Regardless, get out there and serve.

Walls

It's a little crazy. My mind, I mean.

You take a concept, something so simple. It can be any concept that you want. I choose the concept of love. More specifically, the love of me. Not by me, but to me. By others, by God. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that by most in my life, I am loved. Any concept works. Take this concept, and visualize it.

Now make a second vision, of a thirteen inch pathway. The one from the city in your head to the city in your heart. It is a beautiful path, covered by many thoughts and feelings taking the form of people, passing each other, in a journey from one city to the other. Sometimes these travelers take time. Sometimes, they are in a full out sprint from one to the other. Regardless, they are always trying to move.

Now, that concept from earlier is a traveler on this road. This concept, in my case, the fact that I am loved, is constantly having to travel from one to the other. It is equally important in both cities, and it is very much a needed thing.

There is a third variable here. Quite simply put, it is you; your mind or conscious. Your own actions, thoughts, desires, temptations, and sin. They all affect the road, and the progress of this pathway. Sometimes positively, and sometimes negatively.

Two weeks ago, this pathway was an express highway; everyone working in stride, knowing each other, and actively working towards building the two cities up.

One week ago, all of the travelers paused in a single moment of silence, stopped their motion, and banded together to build an impassible wall in this road, and then went on to wreck the cities they once loved. All because I told them to.

Now, anyone who is actively involved in this story, sitting on the edge of their seat, captivated by the estranged story of my inner thoughts may ask, "Why build a wall and halt progress, moving backwards?"

I honestly don't know.

This week has been the panic of the people inside the cities, realizing what they have done, and looking to tear down the wall and rebuild the cities. But the sad truth of the matter is that they were working so hard building, that they have no energy left to work. They are spent, retired, and can't move. When it comes down to it, they don't work because they can't work.

The question now isn't why the wall was built, or why chaos ensued, it's what to do about it now. Workers who have no wills, tools with no hands to use them, and travelers with no road to move on. These aren't ideal conditions to move on. But it's what I have.

Remember that concept spoken of earlier; the one of love? It is not doing so well, given the conditions. Both the head and the heart need its message, but neither can get it. It is a lost cause, and is scared and alone. It is trying so desperately to tear down the wall, and out of everything, it is the only one still working. Piece by piece, it is picking away at the wall. It's hard to tell if it is making any difference. It seems hopeless.

However, yesterday, a stunning realization was made. This concept of love, working its heart out to tear down the wall, heard a voice. Not of my own creation, this voice was the voice of reason, calling from all sides of the wall. Both the head and the heart heard the faint voice with three simple words.

You. Are. Loved.

Again, over and over.

You are loved.

Ryan, you are loved.

Ryan, Listen to me. You. Are. Loved.

This voice, heard over and over, gave the city inhabitants a little bit of strength. Just a little. But one by one they stood up, and faced the wall. Still too tired to rally and destroy it. But with enough strength to move collectively again. Which is more than was expected to happen for a long time. It's a start.

This is where the story stands. Right now, there is still a lot of unanswered questions. And time will tell what happens. But I do know this, and for those that hate the end of a story spoiled, look away now:

That. Wall. Will. Fall.

It is a matter of time. I don't know how or when it will happen, but I swear it will. Until then, I will slowly rally the travelers and gather strength. They are tired, and feel like there is no hope, but they aren't out for the count yet. There is a light at the end. And one day soon, I will see it.

It's a little crazy. My mind, I mean.

Hey everyone!

           Greetings from Towson University! I am currently in the middle of my junior semester here, and still going strong. I'm still majoring in sociology, and still have no idea what I'm going to do with it once I graduate. This year has been an absolute whirlwind, but I love every minute of it. The Lord has blessed me with amazing opportunities so far this year, such as being in a band and going on tour, working with amazing inner-city Baltimore ministries, and being greatly involved with Campus Crusade for Christ!

I wanted to share with you about an exciting and unique opportunity I have to participate on an international project with Campus Crusade this summer. I’ll be going with a team from my University and other campuses and will spend 6 weeks reaching out to students in Sub-Saharan Africa! We will be going forth and spreading the gospel in a predominately Muslim land, and showing the people the wonderful love of Christ. God has laid outreach on my heart in a major way this year, and to the best of my abilities, I am trying to satisfy this calling and honor our Father.

As great as this sounds, I can’t do this alone. I need your help. In order for me to participate on the project, I will need to raise $5000 to cover the cost of training, airfare, food and lodging, travel within the country, language classes, and other project expenses. In order to meet this need, I’m asking people to prayerfully consider becoming partners with me in this outreach to Africa in two ways: one is by praying for me regularly, and the other is by supporting me financially as I go.

Would you consider being a partner with me in this special ministry this summer by praying and by giving? I’m trusting that God will raise up partners who will support me $100, $200, or more by my support deadline of May 10th. I know that not everyone can give those amounts, so really any amount is appreciated. God is the one who will speak to people’s hearts and give them a desire to be involved in my ministry this summer. Thank you for considering joining with me as part of my team! I’m excited to see how God continues to work, even before the actual project begins.

If you would let me know your decision soon regarding this, I would greatly appreciate it. You can simply send it to my address at College, which is, 

Towson University, 

Paca House Rm8506, 

415 Towson Way, Towson, MD, 21252,

 or give me a call at 240-925-6707, or email me at rcox5@students.towson.edu. That will really help me in my planning. If you find that you can support me, all checks need to be made payable to Campus Crusade for Christ .If you feel at this time you cannot financially support this trip, that's ok too! What you can do is keep me in prayer over these next few months!

Another way to donate is through this handy donate button!

Again, thanks so much for all your encouragement over these last couple of years. Your support is greatly appreciated!

Serving Christ with You,

~Ryan Cox