Angles

Ding!

That's the sound of an epiphany.

This particular epiphany is brought to you by literally no sleep, a depressing work day, and a long car ride with very few working traffic lights. In case you were wondering.

So what is this epiphany? I can't outright tell you, because you won't read any further.

I want you to picture a city. You live in this city, and as such, you are always caught up in the daily workings of it. You don't leave this city, because you have no need to, and it doesn't cross your mind. Picture, for a second, what this looks like. The crazy, busy, insane workings, and the hustling of people, always scurrying about to their destinations.

Okay, now stop thinking about the city. We will come back to it in a second.

I've been having a lot of deep talks with a good friend, in which we have been talking about what we want to be for God. The idea of a mirror was brought up, and I like this idea, because I don't want to be seen, but instead want to reflect Christ. Sometimes, actually more often than not, I fail at this, but it is still a worthy goal to strive for. But there was an interesting thought that was talked about. I know this may seem odd to think about, but what is the angle of the mirror? See, it's easy enough to be a mirror. All you have to do is reflect what you see around you, good or bad. But what is the angle? If it's at a 90 degree angle, you just show someone themselves, and what they want to see. I honestly struggle with thins a lot; being who I think people want me to be rather than who I actually am. Then there is the other extreme of a 180 degree angle. You may see God, but who are you reflecting to? No one can see you. It is you and God, but you are shut off to everything else. Now picture a 45 degree angle. Where people look at you and see God. It's a glorious thing, if you think about it. This thought has been in my head for the past few days. God gave me a question that I was looking for the answer. "What's your angle, Ryan?"

It's been tough. Honestly. It has been really tough trying to find the answer to a question that I really didn't even know how to approach. I couldn't see what it was, no matter how hard I tried. and it has been a struggle. But God answered the question. He does that often. He answered the question, "What's your angle, Ryan?", but not even a little how I expected him to.

Go back to the city. What does it look like? Can you get a full view of the city from inside it? If so, you either have the nicest, tallest building in the city, or it is a small city indeed. God gave this analogy to me, clear as day. I see my self as this city. I see the inner workings. I see my mind, and how it works, and how I think I am to the world. Good, bad, ugly; I see it all. But what kind of angle am I really looking at the city from. Ground view? Lame. It looks completely different if I take to the air. Say now, that you are in a helicopter, high above the city. Imagine how much different this city looks. You almost wouldn't be able to recognize it.

Today, I stepped back, and saw myself. Not how I see myself, but how others see me, as the result of a brutally hilarious and depressing work day. It wasn't easy. And it was painful for sure. But man, it did wonders.

See, we constantly try and see ourselves in a certain light. We try to see ourselves as better than we probably are in some aspects, and worse off in others. It's sobering, and amazing, however, if you can see yourself for how you really are.

I'm not going to drag this out, because I don't think I have to beat this one in, and I'm really tired.

Just ask yourself: "What's my angle?"

Identity Theft

I really don't know how I feel about things today. I think second rate properly describes it.

Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.

I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:

What do I have to offer the world?

I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.

No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?

And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?

And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.

Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.

And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts. 

Swimming to the Other Side

If life was a cake, this past week would be the most delicious of them all.

This past week basically brought to close the most amazing summer I have ever been alive. I don't even know what to say honestly. How can I summarize everything that I have seen God do this summer? Truth is, I can't. At all. Not even a little. But I'm going to try.

This summer started with a trip to North Africa. I am still processing it, to be honest. The things that I saw, the people I met, and the things I did. It was probably the hardest six weeks of my Christian walk hands down. It seemed so hopeless at parts, and the pace was slow at parts of it. But the secret was that there was still a pace. There was still movement; a forward motion in the direction of hope and salvation. It was like seeing a wave before it turns. There was a building of something, and while it may not come to a front in many years, it is still there, and there is still hope. Learning that there is hope in the darkest of places is a hard lesson, and it is terribly hard to stay strong throughout it all. But God not only helped me survive it, He helped me make a differences, albeit a small one. But every piece of the puzzle is equally important.

Coming back was hard. I hit the ground marching to a different beat. I couldn't quite come to terms with the hopeless feeling of the smallness of me. An abstract view of me and the few that went with me who were trying desperately to bring hope to the hopeless. We were so few, trying to do so much. But this was important, and an important part of my summer.

Shortly after, my Mom started her job as a pastor at Waters Memorial Church, and all that entails. Taking a church by the reins, and moving forward in the most incredible ways. One of the cool parts of this is seeing all that goes into the process, and all of the awesome people who are behind her, also driven by God, helping her lead this church in the direction God is calling it. It's not the largest congregation, but there is still a love for Christ, and a hope to expand a spread the gospel.

This may all seem like ramblings of different events, but it all makes sense. Hang in there for a bit.

Right after that, God pulled some of his crazy God strings, and opened the door for me to get a job that for all intents and purposes, I should not have. One of the hardships of last year was pulling money out of nowhere to help fund the ministries I'm called to. Not an issue for that. god made a way for this to happen through this job. So now there is a clear path to the places I'm called this upcoming year, which is the most amazing of prayers answered, because last year was cutting things extremely close as far as finances go. It was hard, but God has made a way to help this burden.

Through the mist of all of this, there was this girl. As there tends to be in stories with happy endings. She encourages me, and builds me up in the most incredible. I feel extremely blessed to have her, more than words can say. It's almost as if my walk with God is built up that much more, because there is someone there who encourages me in ways no one else does. It's amazing. Kaitlyn, if you are reading this, you bless me daily. This weekend was a perfect example. Out of nowhere, you are there, and made things so much brighter.

But everything made sense after this past week. I was on the Appalachian Service Project (ASP), where we go and build houses for a week. And one of the things that happens on this week is we have evening gatherings, and we sing a song or two, and then have some sort of awesome event planned. One of the songs perfectly tied my summer in a huge bow, and brought forth a new understanding. Friday night, everyone on ASP sat around and was talking about their biggest God moment of the week. and as I looked around the room it hit me.

The song is called Swimming to the other side. and there is a lyric in the song that says "We are swimming in the stream together, we are swimming to the other side". And it hit me. I saw the scope of things. A tiny fragment of where God is moving, and how great the movement is. Together we are moving forward for Christ. Or better yet, it's like this:


God is doing GREAT things in North Africa. I have seen it. It is incredible.

God is doing GREAT things in the Appalachian Mountains. There is a love poured out to the people, and a living gospel showed.

God is doing GREAT things in Waters Memorial Church. It is a small and mighty soldier fighting for God, and ever expanding.

God is doing GREAT things in the ministries at Towson University. He is opening doors for the most incredible movements.

God is doing GREAT things in me. Plain and simple. I see God in a light I never have.

Big. Small. It doesn't matter. The truth of the matter is that all of the believers are moving for Christ.

Or, in other words, we are all swimming to the other side.