Two.
That's the number in my head today. Two.
I have been alive for two entire decades, at approximately 10:04 tonight.
I know that people have these, "Oh no, I'm so old!" kind of thoughts at monumental events. Not me. I'm just a little awestruck that God has put me on this earth, and for twenty years, I have been alive.
And you know what? I feel as clueless as the day I was born when it comes to what I am doing here.
I know the purpose of my life. I've known that for some time, and while I have fought it from time to time, it has always been there. God wants me to serve others in my utmost and fullest capacity. It's that simple, and what that entails of isn't that hard. But what I can't seem to figure out is what I'm actually doing. Like, at what point did things get to where they are now? I feel as if I have let God and others down, but I can't quite figure out how. It's right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to formulate the words.
Do you ever leave the house, and feel like you have forgotten something, but have no clue as to what it is? I feel that way. About life. I feel like I have forgotten something massive; a giant oversight on my part. But I haven't the slightest as to what I'm missing.
I feel like a black sheep. I look around, and everyone is conforming. Not just to moral standards, but to everything. I see busy bees going to college and fighting to get a degree, to get a job, to get a family to, get... and the list goes on. I know our job as Christians is to be in the world and not of it, but how literal are we supposed to take it? I stop and think that this may not be what I want, and the light at the end of the tunnel is just a painted wall. By the time you reach it, you can't backtrack. You are stuck in that tunnel being crushed from behind by everyone else who was striving for the next thing. I don't want the tunnel at all. I want a different path: one that is harder, less beaten, and more abstract. I see where I'm going now though, and I don't like it.
Two decades of social conditioning has told me what I should be. Be a college graduate, get a job, get married, settle down, have kids, be stable, grow old, retire, die. That's the sequential order, right? Would I be downright crazy to say that this doesn't sound appealing to me? I've thought about this one quite a bit.
People tell me I could help by working a job for X company that helps X people struggling because of X. Uh, no? No thank you? At what point am I helping? I would rather actually help people than to work without knowing where my efforts are going, and sleep soundly saying, "it's for a good cause". Not even. I don't want to be part of the wheel. I want to BE the wheel. I want to be the person that is helping others. I don't want there to be any doubt in my mind that I am helping people. And this isn't about me proving myself. It's about me knowing that I'm doing God's will, and not just assuming that everything will be alright.
The real question is how can I break free from this picture perfect, suburban, picket fence, plastic life that I am quickly approaching? Am I able to break free at all? Is this simply a quarter life crisis from the guy who just realized that he has been alive for two decades? Will this panic attack end soon?
Find out on the next episode of LIFE!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Regardless
I made an interesting discovery. That happens from time to time.
I've been feeling pretty torn up these days. Beaten to the ground to the point that I can't move. I'm not here to list my problems, but for followers sake, know they exist. Anyone who has seen me around can see it on my face, because I get the "Are you ok? You look awful!" thing a lot. So people know.
Well, Saturday I went to this amazing movement, which the event alone has been a blessing; seeing this idea brought to life because of a single faithful servant. But, at this event, I was asked to give my testimony.
I can not spell out how much I didn't want to.
When I was first asked, I was all for it. I love using my bad life choices to bless others. If one good thing can come from it, it is that. But after the week I had been having prior, I felt like 100% not doing it. It felt hypocritical to be up there talking when I feel that God and I still were hashing things out in a major way in my life.
But regardless, my word is my bond, and even though I felt like darkness in a light place, I ended up sharing. Now, I would be a liar if I said that by sharing my testimony, everything was made better. It didn't, and for a while afterwards, I felt no different. I simply got up there, smiled, and told what God has done in my life, and sat back down. It wasn't until after the event that God showed me something cool.
So, one of the biggest honors that God gives us is the privilege to serve. Serve him, and serve others. I abundantly love this. And while it sometimes it feels like a burden, let's be honest, what doesn't at times? Even when I felt so terribly low, God gave me this privilege to serve, and I completely missed the fact that what I was doing for him.
Which leads me to the previously aforementioned discovery. I know this sounds really, really simple, but follow my thoughts on this: God wants to use us when we don't want to be used.
I know this sounds so basic and rudimentary that it can be passed over, but I believe that often this is missed. We say, "I don't feel like doing X. I'm too stressed, I have too much going on. I have... ect." I can't count the amount of times that I have not done something because I feel too drained, or I feel stressed. And I see others do it as well. Not pointing blame, just making an observation. This leads me to the bulk of my discovery:
REGARDLESS of if we think we can't.
REGARDLESS of if we don't want to.
REGARDLESS of excuses we make.
REGARDLESS of whatever sins we have done.
REGARDLESS of who we have been.
REGARDLESS of what we tell ourselves.
God has called us to serve, regardless of where we are in life; high or low. He didn't ask for excuses, he asked for good and faithful servants. And even if I can't walk, he's not going to just drop me. I will always have the tools to serve. If I have breath, I have a resource to serve others.
If you can't run, you walk.
If you can't walk, you crawl.
If you can't crawl, he's gonna carry you.
Regardless, get out there and serve.
I've been feeling pretty torn up these days. Beaten to the ground to the point that I can't move. I'm not here to list my problems, but for followers sake, know they exist. Anyone who has seen me around can see it on my face, because I get the "Are you ok? You look awful!" thing a lot. So people know.
Well, Saturday I went to this amazing movement, which the event alone has been a blessing; seeing this idea brought to life because of a single faithful servant. But, at this event, I was asked to give my testimony.
I can not spell out how much I didn't want to.
When I was first asked, I was all for it. I love using my bad life choices to bless others. If one good thing can come from it, it is that. But after the week I had been having prior, I felt like 100% not doing it. It felt hypocritical to be up there talking when I feel that God and I still were hashing things out in a major way in my life.
But regardless, my word is my bond, and even though I felt like darkness in a light place, I ended up sharing. Now, I would be a liar if I said that by sharing my testimony, everything was made better. It didn't, and for a while afterwards, I felt no different. I simply got up there, smiled, and told what God has done in my life, and sat back down. It wasn't until after the event that God showed me something cool.
So, one of the biggest honors that God gives us is the privilege to serve. Serve him, and serve others. I abundantly love this. And while it sometimes it feels like a burden, let's be honest, what doesn't at times? Even when I felt so terribly low, God gave me this privilege to serve, and I completely missed the fact that what I was doing for him.
Which leads me to the previously aforementioned discovery. I know this sounds really, really simple, but follow my thoughts on this: God wants to use us when we don't want to be used.
I know this sounds so basic and rudimentary that it can be passed over, but I believe that often this is missed. We say, "I don't feel like doing X. I'm too stressed, I have too much going on. I have... ect." I can't count the amount of times that I have not done something because I feel too drained, or I feel stressed. And I see others do it as well. Not pointing blame, just making an observation. This leads me to the bulk of my discovery:
REGARDLESS of if we think we can't.
REGARDLESS of if we don't want to.
REGARDLESS of excuses we make.
REGARDLESS of whatever sins we have done.
REGARDLESS of who we have been.
REGARDLESS of what we tell ourselves.
God has called us to serve, regardless of where we are in life; high or low. He didn't ask for excuses, he asked for good and faithful servants. And even if I can't walk, he's not going to just drop me. I will always have the tools to serve. If I have breath, I have a resource to serve others.
If you can't run, you walk.
If you can't walk, you crawl.
If you can't crawl, he's gonna carry you.
Regardless, get out there and serve.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Walls
It's a little crazy. My mind, I mean.
You take a concept, something so simple. It can be any concept that you want. I choose the concept of love. More specifically, the love of me. Not by me, but to me. By others, by God. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that by most in my life, I am loved. Any concept works. Take this concept, and visualize it.
Now make a second vision, of a thirteen inch pathway. The one from the city in your head to the city in your heart. It is a beautiful path, covered by many thoughts and feelings taking the form of people, passing each other, in a journey from one city to the other. Sometimes these travelers take time. Sometimes, they are in a full out sprint from one to the other. Regardless, they are always trying to move.
Now, that concept from earlier is a traveler on this road. This concept, in my case, the fact that I am loved, is constantly having to travel from one to the other. It is equally important in both cities, and it is very much a needed thing.
There is a third variable here. Quite simply put, it is you; your mind or conscious. Your own actions, thoughts, desires, temptations, and sin. They all affect the road, and the progress of this pathway. Sometimes positively, and sometimes negatively.
Two weeks ago, this pathway was an express highway; everyone working in stride, knowing each other, and actively working towards building the two cities up.
One week ago, all of the travelers paused in a single moment of silence, stopped their motion, and banded together to build an impassible wall in this road, and then went on to wreck the cities they once loved. All because I told them to.
Now, anyone who is actively involved in this story, sitting on the edge of their seat, captivated by the estranged story of my inner thoughts may ask, "Why build a wall and halt progress, moving backwards?"
I honestly don't know.
This week has been the panic of the people inside the cities, realizing what they have done, and looking to tear down the wall and rebuild the cities. But the sad truth of the matter is that they were working so hard building, that they have no energy left to work. They are spent, retired, and can't move. When it comes down to it, they don't work because they can't work.
The question now isn't why the wall was built, or why chaos ensued, it's what to do about it now. Workers who have no wills, tools with no hands to use them, and travelers with no road to move on. These aren't ideal conditions to move on. But it's what I have.
Remember that concept spoken of earlier; the one of love? It is not doing so well, given the conditions. Both the head and the heart need its message, but neither can get it. It is a lost cause, and is scared and alone. It is trying so desperately to tear down the wall, and out of everything, it is the only one still working. Piece by piece, it is picking away at the wall. It's hard to tell if it is making any difference. It seems hopeless.
However, yesterday, a stunning realization was made. This concept of love, working its heart out to tear down the wall, heard a voice. Not of my own creation, this voice was the voice of reason, calling from all sides of the wall. Both the head and the heart heard the faint voice with three simple words.
You. Are. Loved.
Again, over and over.
You are loved.
Ryan, you are loved.
Ryan, Listen to me. You. Are. Loved.
This voice, heard over and over, gave the city inhabitants a little bit of strength. Just a little. But one by one they stood up, and faced the wall. Still too tired to rally and destroy it. But with enough strength to move collectively again. Which is more than was expected to happen for a long time. It's a start.
This is where the story stands. Right now, there is still a lot of unanswered questions. And time will tell what happens. But I do know this, and for those that hate the end of a story spoiled, look away now:
That. Wall. Will. Fall.
It is a matter of time. I don't know how or when it will happen, but I swear it will. Until then, I will slowly rally the travelers and gather strength. They are tired, and feel like there is no hope, but they aren't out for the count yet. There is a light at the end. And one day soon, I will see it.
It's a little crazy. My mind, I mean.
You take a concept, something so simple. It can be any concept that you want. I choose the concept of love. More specifically, the love of me. Not by me, but to me. By others, by God. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that by most in my life, I am loved. Any concept works. Take this concept, and visualize it.
Now make a second vision, of a thirteen inch pathway. The one from the city in your head to the city in your heart. It is a beautiful path, covered by many thoughts and feelings taking the form of people, passing each other, in a journey from one city to the other. Sometimes these travelers take time. Sometimes, they are in a full out sprint from one to the other. Regardless, they are always trying to move.
Now, that concept from earlier is a traveler on this road. This concept, in my case, the fact that I am loved, is constantly having to travel from one to the other. It is equally important in both cities, and it is very much a needed thing.
There is a third variable here. Quite simply put, it is you; your mind or conscious. Your own actions, thoughts, desires, temptations, and sin. They all affect the road, and the progress of this pathway. Sometimes positively, and sometimes negatively.
Two weeks ago, this pathway was an express highway; everyone working in stride, knowing each other, and actively working towards building the two cities up.
One week ago, all of the travelers paused in a single moment of silence, stopped their motion, and banded together to build an impassible wall in this road, and then went on to wreck the cities they once loved. All because I told them to.
Now, anyone who is actively involved in this story, sitting on the edge of their seat, captivated by the estranged story of my inner thoughts may ask, "Why build a wall and halt progress, moving backwards?"
I honestly don't know.
This week has been the panic of the people inside the cities, realizing what they have done, and looking to tear down the wall and rebuild the cities. But the sad truth of the matter is that they were working so hard building, that they have no energy left to work. They are spent, retired, and can't move. When it comes down to it, they don't work because they can't work.
The question now isn't why the wall was built, or why chaos ensued, it's what to do about it now. Workers who have no wills, tools with no hands to use them, and travelers with no road to move on. These aren't ideal conditions to move on. But it's what I have.
Remember that concept spoken of earlier; the one of love? It is not doing so well, given the conditions. Both the head and the heart need its message, but neither can get it. It is a lost cause, and is scared and alone. It is trying so desperately to tear down the wall, and out of everything, it is the only one still working. Piece by piece, it is picking away at the wall. It's hard to tell if it is making any difference. It seems hopeless.
However, yesterday, a stunning realization was made. This concept of love, working its heart out to tear down the wall, heard a voice. Not of my own creation, this voice was the voice of reason, calling from all sides of the wall. Both the head and the heart heard the faint voice with three simple words.
You. Are. Loved.
Again, over and over.
You are loved.
Ryan, you are loved.
Ryan, Listen to me. You. Are. Loved.
This voice, heard over and over, gave the city inhabitants a little bit of strength. Just a little. But one by one they stood up, and faced the wall. Still too tired to rally and destroy it. But with enough strength to move collectively again. Which is more than was expected to happen for a long time. It's a start.
This is where the story stands. Right now, there is still a lot of unanswered questions. And time will tell what happens. But I do know this, and for those that hate the end of a story spoiled, look away now:
That. Wall. Will. Fall.
It is a matter of time. I don't know how or when it will happen, but I swear it will. Until then, I will slowly rally the travelers and gather strength. They are tired, and feel like there is no hope, but they aren't out for the count yet. There is a light at the end. And one day soon, I will see it.
It's a little crazy. My mind, I mean.
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