I know that no on one on earth knows their future. But even in all of my wildest imaginations, I could never, not in a million years, predicted my life as it is now.
Nine months. I put down this blog almost nine months ago. I was looking for something, and feeling restless, and I decided to start looking for whatever it was that I was looking for.
I still haven't found it. Not in the sense I was expecting.
I've learned so much about the person that I am, and the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I see things a bit clearer, albeit my life is far more convoluted than it was. As I have been kicking around the idea of picking this up again, I decided to read up on some of my old posts. I honestly don't think I was as lost as I thought I was, I think that I just didn't know what it was that I was looking for. It's like I was a caged bird, who had a really big, transparent cage. I knew, subconsciously, that I was trapped, but I didn't know how, or what was confining me, or why.
I had a few blog posts along the way that said I was tired of the mundane. That I was looking for something more. The last post put it as a 'lather, rinse, repeat' process. I think that this is how I was confined, and while I had two really seemingly obvious puzzle pieces, I never quite put them together. I didn't see that it was this process that was keeping me trapped. This is why I felt restless. I wanted freedom from it.
In the nine month hiatus, I really changed the song I was singing. God made so much clear to me, in such a simple way. God put things so simply to me, in the way that He is good at. He gave me this mentality that my life is so much more than myself. Seems simple enough. But It's a deeper thought than the simple idea of this. Take Ruth in the bible. Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz. All three of them had every reason to live for themselves, and to live the life that any sensible human would. But they put themselves aside, and paved the way for the coming of Christ, without ever knowing what they were doing. They were honoring God by completely humbling themselves to God and the world, and greatness happened from it.
I've always been one to try and help others, but I never really stopped to look at my motive. And I'm not saying that my motive has been bad, but it hasn't always been good either. But the more I think about it, I am wanting my motives to reflect the 'in the world, not of it' that I know I need to be living. I have really been coming to grips that my life is so much bigger than myself.
Someone I respect very much put it like this:
"Ryan, you are a great person. But your life is so fleeting. So you really have two options. You can live your life knowing that you are a great person, and trying to show and prove to the world that you are a great person, doing everything that you do for selfish reasons, or you could humble yourself and serve the world. No greed, or selfishness, or anything like that. So ask yourself: what are you living for? Yourself? Because that will only do you good while you are alive, and you could die tomorrow."
And I have taken this to heart very much. I know that I am here to serve. I am second. And I love that I am second. But there is a difference between fully serving and being a doormat. And I've done the doormat thing as well.
So it breaks down like this: I'm not living for myself, but I'm not forgetting myself either. I'm serving Christ. I'm serving the world. But I'm not forgetting that I'm in that picture as well. I'm second, but still here.
One way that this is reflecting, is by spending next semester in Disney. I'd say that this is quite a break from the mundane. I'm going down to be with my love, Sara. I'm not going to sugarcoat my Disney trip and say that there were many reasons that made me decide to go. I wanted to be with Sara. That's why I'm going. That being said, I'm not abandoning who I am and what my purpose is in the process. I'm going down for her, but I will be used by God, for sure. I'm going down with the mindset of a missionary. I will be in a place with people from all over the world. I'm sure that many of them don't know the love of Christ, or even what his sacrifice truly stands for. So I'm making it my personal mission to be a living example of who Christ is.
I hear a lot that I'm different. Most people just mean that I'm weird. But a lot of people see joy in me that takes them off guard. They don't know why I'm different, they just do. All of those differences, ALL of that joy comes only from Christ. That is His love in me. And I won't stop being different until everyone knows.
So all this talk, and it's still not clear. What did I learn in nine months? God has one crazy adventure on lined up on my horizon. And He will use me for something far greater than I can fathom.
Nine months. I put down this blog almost nine months ago. I was looking for something, and feeling restless, and I decided to start looking for whatever it was that I was looking for.
I still haven't found it. Not in the sense I was expecting.
I've learned so much about the person that I am, and the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I see things a bit clearer, albeit my life is far more convoluted than it was. As I have been kicking around the idea of picking this up again, I decided to read up on some of my old posts. I honestly don't think I was as lost as I thought I was, I think that I just didn't know what it was that I was looking for. It's like I was a caged bird, who had a really big, transparent cage. I knew, subconsciously, that I was trapped, but I didn't know how, or what was confining me, or why.
I had a few blog posts along the way that said I was tired of the mundane. That I was looking for something more. The last post put it as a 'lather, rinse, repeat' process. I think that this is how I was confined, and while I had two really seemingly obvious puzzle pieces, I never quite put them together. I didn't see that it was this process that was keeping me trapped. This is why I felt restless. I wanted freedom from it.
In the nine month hiatus, I really changed the song I was singing. God made so much clear to me, in such a simple way. God put things so simply to me, in the way that He is good at. He gave me this mentality that my life is so much more than myself. Seems simple enough. But It's a deeper thought than the simple idea of this. Take Ruth in the bible. Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz. All three of them had every reason to live for themselves, and to live the life that any sensible human would. But they put themselves aside, and paved the way for the coming of Christ, without ever knowing what they were doing. They were honoring God by completely humbling themselves to God and the world, and greatness happened from it.
I've always been one to try and help others, but I never really stopped to look at my motive. And I'm not saying that my motive has been bad, but it hasn't always been good either. But the more I think about it, I am wanting my motives to reflect the 'in the world, not of it' that I know I need to be living. I have really been coming to grips that my life is so much bigger than myself.
Someone I respect very much put it like this:
"Ryan, you are a great person. But your life is so fleeting. So you really have two options. You can live your life knowing that you are a great person, and trying to show and prove to the world that you are a great person, doing everything that you do for selfish reasons, or you could humble yourself and serve the world. No greed, or selfishness, or anything like that. So ask yourself: what are you living for? Yourself? Because that will only do you good while you are alive, and you could die tomorrow."
And I have taken this to heart very much. I know that I am here to serve. I am second. And I love that I am second. But there is a difference between fully serving and being a doormat. And I've done the doormat thing as well.
So it breaks down like this: I'm not living for myself, but I'm not forgetting myself either. I'm serving Christ. I'm serving the world. But I'm not forgetting that I'm in that picture as well. I'm second, but still here.
One way that this is reflecting, is by spending next semester in Disney. I'd say that this is quite a break from the mundane. I'm going down to be with my love, Sara. I'm not going to sugarcoat my Disney trip and say that there were many reasons that made me decide to go. I wanted to be with Sara. That's why I'm going. That being said, I'm not abandoning who I am and what my purpose is in the process. I'm going down for her, but I will be used by God, for sure. I'm going down with the mindset of a missionary. I will be in a place with people from all over the world. I'm sure that many of them don't know the love of Christ, or even what his sacrifice truly stands for. So I'm making it my personal mission to be a living example of who Christ is.
I hear a lot that I'm different. Most people just mean that I'm weird. But a lot of people see joy in me that takes them off guard. They don't know why I'm different, they just do. All of those differences, ALL of that joy comes only from Christ. That is His love in me. And I won't stop being different until everyone knows.
So all this talk, and it's still not clear. What did I learn in nine months? God has one crazy adventure on lined up on my horizon. And He will use me for something far greater than I can fathom.
