I really don't know how I feel about things today. I think second rate properly describes it.
Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.
I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:
What do I have to offer the world?
I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.
No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?
And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?
And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.
Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.
And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts.
Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.
I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:
What do I have to offer the world?
I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.
No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?
And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?
And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.
Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.
And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts.
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