Too Perfect Paranoia

Something is so wrong. I don't know what. But it is. And it's all my fault.

This is a short post, because I don't have much time to expand.

Do you ever feel like you forgot to lock the doors? Or something along those lines? The awful, pit of your stomach feeling? Yeah. It's like that. I feel like somehow I screwed up or pissed someone off, to a terrible degree, and I haven't the slightest clue who or what. There are so many different people in my life, and I know that I have messed up.

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that things are going too perfect, and I'm not used to it. At all. Maybe I haven't messed up. But I know I have. I just know. I can't explain it, but I know without a doubt that it's true. I feel like I have so much depending on me, and I'm never supposed to mess up. If I do mess up, I can never show it. Ever. It runs in the family. I own my mistake to the people I wronged, but keep it hidden to maintain face. It's awful, but the way I work. But this is far different. I don't know. It's just odd.

So this is a shout out. If I wronged you, hurt you, messed up, stepped on your toes, or have done anything to upset you in any way at all, let me know. Please. I don't care how big or small. If I have wronged you, I need to know. And I know that I have wronged someone out there. I pray that they will read this, and let me know. Because I simply cannot handle the fact that I have hurt you. 

The Incredible Saturday

Normally, I try and find a creative way to start these things. But today I can't think like that. I'm far to awestruck.

Do you ever have a God moment that absolutely brings you to your knees? It cripples you in a moment of incredible glory? That happened this morning, eating a bowl of rice crispies. Of all places.

This summer has been one long continuous stream of blessings. And over breakfast this morning, it hit me how stupidly blessed I have been this summer. My hands shake at the thought of it. My legs feel weak. Just an awesome wave of God's AWESOME glory. And the thing that get's me about it, is why? Of all people out there, surely there are people who deserve the amazing blessings that God has laid upon me this summer more than I do. I'm not always faithful and good; I stumble more than I would like to admit in every aspect of my life, and yet the God of the Universe decides to bless ME with the incredible things that He has?

Woah. 


This past Saturday feels like a pivotal point in my story. And it's when I really started to notice how much God has blessed me. See, Saturday was incredible for three big reasons. First, it was Justin and Molly's wedding. Go get 'em you two. They have an incredible future together, I just know it. And my second reason comes from that. I feel like Saturday officially marks the end of College Park for me, and everything it was to me. Everyone that was there, any reason I would have of going back is gone. This is bittersweet in a way, because there were some freaking fantastic times at Pontiac St. And I will never forget them. I made friends like Kevin, Justin, and Chris that have really meant a lot to me. But, with that place there also lies the person I used to be, who I claim no ownership for. He is dead and gone. And this Saturday was the last nail in that Coffin. And then, to top off the incredible Saturday, this incredible girl decided to make me extremely happy. Somehow a guy like me getting a girl like her. I swear I don't deserve her.

But that's what I'm saying. I don't deserve ANYTHING. At all. At my core, I have been a scumbag full of treachery and sin. and God loves me enough to bless me like he has? I am incredibly awestruck.

This summer has been incredible. God is blessing me daily. And moving into the semester will be the same way. One of my best friends will not only be stateside, but living with me. I have a job that I should not have. I have a girlfriend that, as aforementioned, is a blessing every single day I get to know her. My classes are easy, my friends are around me, my God loves me.

That's all I can ask for, at the end of the day. Literally, all that I want. Absolutely everything. How can one NOT be awestruck? 

A Case of the Fears

I remember it as clearly as I write this. I was twelve years old, and I was scarred.

I had this dream, the first of many nightmares that I remember, in which systematically everyone I loved was ripped out of my life in gruesome and terrible ways. My family was killed off in different ways, moments apart from each other, and I was helpless, and could do nothing but watch.

I've had nightmares as long as I can remember. Dreams of mine more often than not, whenever I remember them, regardless of how they start, end terribly. I have countless recollections of one awful nightmare after another, and while I've learned how to handle them, at twelve, it was a completely different ballgame. I woke up scarred. Not in the night terror sense. I didn't wake up screaming or crying. I was petrified, and couldn't move being stricken with that kind of fear.

But it's odd. I've noticed that fear has a much different meaning these days than it did for me back then, although what I'm afraid of really hasn't. It just manifests itself in different fashions. We all know that terrible "boogieman, monster in the closet" kind of fear. The one that later on down the road we would pursue with horror films. But somewhere down the road, fear seemed to change, didn't it? It seemed to become less of what goes bump in the night, and more about what goes wrong in the day. I know some people have fears like snakes or spiders still, but for me fear is something completely different, and after talking to a dear friend, I seemed to notice that today.

I look back at those nightmares, and it was a combination of things that I was afraid of. The sheer imagery of seeing killed in that way was awful, but deeper than that, it was losing everything that I love. I know this is a major anxiety of many people, which I would actually venture to say every person, but it is the one thing in life, that one big fear that haunts me. In those dreams, it was physical. Seeing them all die. But nowadays, it's more the "What the hell did I just do?" kind of fear. That walking on eggshells feeling that seems to dictate my every thought. And I've been able to see that this fear has roots in many places.

Today I just filed for more college loans. I'm even more in debt. Awesome. I always get this tingling, nail-biting feeling when talking to the bank on the phone, because I am further driving home the pressure of getting a job to support a family (God willing) out of college. I love and hate this, because in one sense, it keeps me accountable, but on the other sense, there is a fear of letting down and losing the family that I don't even have yet. It may not be as gruesome as that dream when I was 12, but it is every bit as petrifying. Because in those dreams I was helpless. In real life, it would be my fault.

So, one must wonder, where do we go with a fear hitting us like a freight train? I can think of other things, and give my self a quick fix, a sort of mental bandaid, and be on my way. But I'm not fixing the problem here, I am only running from my fears. Thinking about it, what is the opposite of fear? For the nightmares, it would seem courage would be a respectable answer, but it doesn't seem to help a whole lot. A guy with courage can jump out of a plane with no parachute, but he will still end up as a splat stain on a sidewalk. For me, I would say that the remedy for fear would be peace. Peace is knowing the fears and anxieties of life, whatever they may be, and handing them over to Christ. When looking up peace, I found John 14:47. I smiled big at this:

"Peace I leave you, and peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid."

Two birds, one awesome, God shaped stone. It's that peace that we find in Christ that pushes us through it. That peace that says "I'm terrified Lord, help me out here". Because when we ask for His help, He gives it to us, and when we need Him, which is always, He is there. Peace is knowing that there is a reason we are jumping out of the plane with no parachute, and trusting that God will not let us down. So why should we worry?

I end with a ridiculous thought. In the process of writing this, a song came to my head; one I haven't thought of in ages. It's from veggietales. It says something like "God is bigger than the boogieman. He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV. God is bigger than the boogieman, and He's watching after you and me.

If that isn't the simple truth, than what is?

The Mountains, The Pebbles

How can you pick up where you left off? How can you pick up the mantle of a life that is a far cry from what it used to be? This summer is only half over, and I feel like I'm a decade older after what I've seen.

God has done amazing things, and even sitting here writing this, I can't fathom all of the ways that he has opened doors for his love to be shown. I had a chance to go to Africa and spread the gospel, and people think that it is this act within itself that is what would be most life impacting. Not even. It's a whole lot deeper.

This journey starts January 1st. I went to Radiate with Cru, and after finding out about the trip to "Sam's Place", I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to go to this place. I have never been so sure of anything in my life, and honestly, it was terrifying. I was, and still am, on recovery road as far as my life goes. I wasn't ready for something like this. In many ways, I still feel that way, after the trip is already over. I was so sure of this, that I called my parents and immediately told them the plan. And it really isn't until I look at it from a retrospective view that I see how crazy that was, because God was already paving the road. I see it like this; I had never really heard God give me an order as clear as that. Ever. It was like a friend telling you he needs a favor. And I didn't want to.  It's easy to play face and be excited, but on the inside, I was counting the things that could go wrong over the things that could go right. But God was, and is, just getting started.

$5,000. There's no way. It's a lot of money, and with this limited amount of time, you just can't do it.

So many people said those words. Want to know what God said?

Here you go.

It came down to the final weeks, and God delivered in abundance. It's crazy. You hear of God giving bread to 5000, or walking on water. You always hear these great acts. This to me was just as profound as those. This past semester, God has been telling me that He is going to move mountains. Even writing this, and seeing things I did not even notice, I see that it is so very true. God moved mountains for this trip. But it's deeper than that; He moved mountains in me. I know that sounds as cheesy as an after school special, but it's more true than I can even describe. Keep in mind that all of this is before the trip. He was moving mountains in me before I left, but they seem like pebbles after this trip.

There are so many things that I wish I could tell you about the trip. I have to keep silent about many things for security reasons, because it was a closed trip, so the things that I can really go into is limited. That being said, what I can say is that God 100% broke me. He tore me down literally brick by brick from who I was when I left. Sam's place is predominately muslim. I never knew that much about the muslim faith or its people, but I can honestly say that in many ways, they put me to shame. I have never, in my life, EVER met people as hospitable and kind. Part of it is the country's culture, but the majority of it was their faith. It's a far cry from what you expect it to be. I mean, and this is no joke, people would throw themselves in front of a bus if they thought it would make you happy. If you go to someone's house and say, "That's a nice picture", they will wrap it up and give it to you right there. No exaggeration.

I'm sorry, what? Aren't WE supposed to be the ones like that? Aren't WE supposed to be the ones who show unconditional love to anyone who we pass, and open our doors to everybody? What is this? Think about that for a second. Don't just pass it by saying, "Oh, that's cool". Seriously think about how wrong this picture is. Our God, the God of love, who gave his Son to die for us because He loves us so much, has people who aren't showing as much love as the people who believe that God has no reason to love them?? Where is this logic? And more importantly, what have I been doing with my Love? Because it certainly isn't that.

Like I said, brick by brick. And to put it in a deeper perspective, that is one brick. Just one. He moved the wall of China in my heart. I give just one more example, because I could literally tell every single story, but I would be here for a week typing. But one more to drive it home.

When you go on a trip like this, what is it that you expect to do? Spreading the gospel is a fair bet, because after all, it is a mission trip, and that's what happens on these trips, right?

Not so much.

See, the ground in Sam's Place is not good. Honestly. It's illegal to spread the gospel, and if you throw in people who are just as strong in their faith, to vast misconceptions about Jesus, it is just not easy ground. It takes on average seven years for a muslim to turn to Christianity. Six weeks? It is not seven years. I was able to have three good spiritual conversations. Only three. And people may say, "Hey, that's three conversations". This is true, but perspective takes place.

That's what the average city streets were like. See all those people? They Don't know Christ. In their current state, simply put, they are going to hell.

so, perspective take place. Three conversations. That's it. It made me want to curl in a ball and die. I felt like such a failure. But this leads to one of the most incredible things that  learned on this trip. This will stick with me until the day I die.

It's not what you are doing. It's who you are being. 


There are things about the trip, people, images, friends, and events that will be forever burned into my brain. I will always wonder what happened to those people. But in the end, it is by God's grace that I am here, so I know they are not beyond reach. God's love and grace is unfathomable. I will never understand it until He calls me home. But I caught a glimpse of His love in a way that I never had on this trip. And I tell you now, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I know that all of these people can know the truth of Christ's love. And I know that it won't be easy, but God has done bigger things. A lot of people say it won't happen. But I know it will. I know it may seem like I'm trying to love a dream, but if that's the case I'll be sleepwalking until the day I die.

So how can I pick up where you left off? How can I pick up the mantle of a life that is a far cry from what it used to be?

Life goes on. Things continue to move in forward motion, including myself. Even being home for a week, I continue to see this World in a different light. And the crazy thing to me? This summer is only half over.