A Fighting Chance

I always loved underdog stories. Tales where the lift;e guy wins. Those stories where there are terrible and near impossible odds to overcome, and somehow, they little guy comes through.

I'm starting to realize that this is how I see my life lately. I have had kind of a martyr view of my life, and seeing it as as series of dragons put in my path that I have no hope in slaying. All sorts of things. Work. School. Evangelism. The distance with Sara. Literally everything.

And it's kind of interesting; putting your life in to that kind of perspective. Things feel so impossible. You feel so small. I think this is an amazing thing. Too often it's easy to get full of yourself, and not really think about the fact that you are a very tiny speck. Eternal perspective is lost. The current event becomes bigger news than the main headline.

See, I realize that when I do this, it's easier to remember God's presence. I can see that my struggles are absolutely massive, and cannot in any way be swept under the rug. I have no choice but to turn to God, because without him, I'd be totally destroyed.

I love feeling like I can't do something. I love being told that I can't. It is better motivation for me than anything else in the world. A good friend once told me that I would never be a great musician. I may never be famous, but I proved him way wrong. Not being egotistical, but I'm not half bad at music. It's all because he said 'Bet you can't'. But too often I start to lean on my own understanding, and not of Christ's.

For example: I'm currently writing my second CD. The first one, while not the best quality, was pretty good, because I prayed over the lyrics, and tried to make something that was God breathed through me. The second one, lyrically, I was basing on my own emotion, my own wants, and not really giving God a seat in the creative planning. Since I have, I've been amazed. I feel like his words are taking to my songs.

I feel like, when given challenges, it's so easy to try and take them on our own. But next time, play the underdog. Put yourself in those shoes. It may surprise you what you find. 

It isn't love

I did not realize how much this would suck.

I have been sitting in the same chair for 5 hours. I've been surfing Facebook, pinterest, 9gag, and watching stupid TV. And the only thing that I can think about is how much I miss her.

And it's kind of ridiculous. It's been less than a week. But I have all summer to sit and think about missing summer. It kind of gives you cabin fever. She's living her dream, and I'm so happy for her. But I really want to be with her.

There is a lyric that I always think I understand, and then I rediscover it.

'If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.'

Well, for the first time ever, I understand that from the perspective of someone in love. Deeply, madly, in love.

This is a crazy, short little post. But I had to say something about it. 

Solitude

One of the most powerful things in this world is thought. It is as wonderful as it is dangerous, and it has changed the world time and time again.

I find that I like to avoid thought altogether. The less I think, the less trouble that I seem to get myself into. I focus on working, getting through the day, and finding my bed in the late hours of night to do the process all over again.

It's incredible how isolated time forces you to think.

I'm in an apartment on my own. I have roommates, but I really don't care to get to know them. My friends are away. My family is far away. Sara is gone to Disney.

I am all on my own, for really the first time.

I'm not alone, because God stands beside me. It's the difference between loneliness and solitude. I'm simply isolated from the world. With lots of time to think.

This gives me the ability, and better put, the opportunity to better myself over the next two months. That's all that I have been able to think about as of late. How who I am fall so short of who I can be. I can be great if I put my mind to it. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm taking this summer and becoming the person who I know that I can be. When you close your eyes, and you see yourself as you always wished you would be; yeah, that's who I plan on being. No more being subpar. I can't do it. I'm focusing a lot on my music and my health this summer. I'm making my music so much better than it has ever been. And I'm getting really damn in shape.

I feel like, while the solitude is exceptionally painful, it is an opportunity that God has given to me. He knows my heart. He knows who I can be. I am here to serve him, and that is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm going to start stripping away the parts of me that I feel hold me back, like slothfulness and inactivity. I can't halfway do things anymore.

So, quite simply, I won't.