Maturity... Or Something Like It

Two.

That's the number in my head today. Two.

I have been alive for two entire decades, at approximately 10:04 tonight.

I know that people have these, "Oh no, I'm so old!" kind of thoughts at monumental events. Not me. I'm just a little awestruck that God has put me on this earth, and for twenty years, I have been alive.

And you know what? I feel as clueless as the day I was born when it comes to what I am doing here.

I know the purpose of my life. I've known that for some time, and while I have fought it from time to time, it has always been there. God wants me to serve others in my utmost and fullest capacity. It's that simple, and what that entails of isn't that hard. But what I can't seem to figure out is what I'm actually doing. Like, at what point did things get to where they are now? I feel as if I have let God and others down, but I can't quite figure out how. It's right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to formulate the words.

Do you ever leave the house, and feel like you have forgotten something, but have no clue as to what it is? I feel that way. About life. I feel like I have forgotten something massive; a giant oversight on my part. But I haven't the slightest as to what I'm missing.

I feel like a black sheep. I look around, and everyone is conforming. Not just to moral standards, but to everything. I see busy bees going to college and fighting to get a degree, to get a job, to get a family to, get... and the list goes on. I know our job as Christians is to be in the world and not of it, but how literal are we supposed to take it? I stop and think that this may not be what I want, and the light at the end of the tunnel is just a painted wall. By the time you reach it, you can't backtrack. You are stuck in that tunnel being crushed from behind by everyone else who was striving for the next thing. I don't want the tunnel at all. I want a different path: one that is harder, less beaten, and more abstract. I see where I'm going now though, and I don't like it.

Two decades of social conditioning has told me what I should be. Be a college graduate, get a job, get married, settle down, have kids, be stable, grow old, retire, die. That's the sequential order, right? Would I be downright crazy to say that this doesn't sound appealing to me? I've thought about this one quite a bit.

People tell me I could help by working a job for X company that helps X people struggling because of X. Uh, no? No thank you? At what point am I helping? I would rather actually help people than to work without knowing where my efforts are going, and sleep soundly saying, "it's for a good cause". Not even. I don't want to be part of the wheel. I want to BE the wheel. I want to be the person that is helping others. I don't want there to be any doubt in my mind that I am helping people. And this isn't about me proving myself. It's about me knowing that I'm doing God's will, and not just assuming that everything will be alright.

The real question is how can I break free from this picture perfect, suburban, picket fence, plastic life that I am quickly approaching?  Am I able to break free at all? Is this simply a quarter life crisis from the guy who just realized that he has been alive for two decades? Will this panic attack end soon?

Find out on the next episode of LIFE!