Good and Faithful Servant

It's a hard thing, discovering how much of your faith is talk. When the rubber hits the road; that's when you find out what God really means to you, and where He stands in your life. 

Fall retreat last year. Things changed for me. I had known about God, but never really known him. Not REALLY known him. I thought I did. But as you know, just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true. It was there that I discovered what God really meant to me, and I caught a small, tiny, minuscule sliver of how much He loved me, and it was entirely overwhelming. 

As I wrestled with my thoughts, and was discovering what my faith looked like through Christ, I discovered a passage that changed things. Matthew 25:14-28. 

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

With this, came a thought: What would be more amazing than to go home to Christ, and hear him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant"? 

So for roughly a year, I have been living with this mentality. In EVERYTHING that I do, I do it with this in mind. Would I be a good and faithful servant by doing X? 

The way I see it, is at the end of the day, you have to judge if what you are doing is glorifying to Christ. If it brings him glory. Are you living for him?

This is all easy to say, but like I said earlier, it's when the rubber hits the road that you find out how strong your faith really is. 

I've had tests of faith throughout the year. Plenty of them. Things that I have had to cling to God to get through. I haven't done good on all of them, and I would be a liar if I said that I walked through them all perfectly. I didn't, and haven't, and I still stumble. Often. But those were little battles, in the grand scheme of things. You may recall (if you read this ever), that my last blog was a little bit on the emo side. That is the result of a man who was going through the hardest three days he had faced in a very, very long time. And honestly, for a second there, it didn't look like things were going to go so great. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and angry at life. In many ways, I was seeing God's plan, and not liking where it was going. In many ways, being perfectly honest, I still am struggling with where it is going. But I have this amazing friend, who encouraged me tremendously. He broke it down like this:

It's so easy to follow God when it's what you want. It's like you are going with the current. You have the power of God pushing you in a forward motion. It's when God's plan goes the complete opposite way of what you want that you decide what's important. What does your faith mean to you? Is it like a membership card that you parade around, doing good works for all to see? One of those things to have just so people like you? Or is it something that you swore to follow, no matter the cost. No matter what it meant to you or your well being. You may not get God's plan right now. You may never get it until the day you die. But what's it worth to you?

In a way, I'm finding out how hard it is to be a good, faithful servant. But you know I'm sure, for what it's worth, that whatever demons I'm facing right now, and whatever hardships there are, absolutely melt away. They are nothing when you can hear Christ say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

And that's the light at the end of this tunnel that shines no matter where I am. 

Angles

Ding!

That's the sound of an epiphany.

This particular epiphany is brought to you by literally no sleep, a depressing work day, and a long car ride with very few working traffic lights. In case you were wondering.

So what is this epiphany? I can't outright tell you, because you won't read any further.

I want you to picture a city. You live in this city, and as such, you are always caught up in the daily workings of it. You don't leave this city, because you have no need to, and it doesn't cross your mind. Picture, for a second, what this looks like. The crazy, busy, insane workings, and the hustling of people, always scurrying about to their destinations.

Okay, now stop thinking about the city. We will come back to it in a second.

I've been having a lot of deep talks with a good friend, in which we have been talking about what we want to be for God. The idea of a mirror was brought up, and I like this idea, because I don't want to be seen, but instead want to reflect Christ. Sometimes, actually more often than not, I fail at this, but it is still a worthy goal to strive for. But there was an interesting thought that was talked about. I know this may seem odd to think about, but what is the angle of the mirror? See, it's easy enough to be a mirror. All you have to do is reflect what you see around you, good or bad. But what is the angle? If it's at a 90 degree angle, you just show someone themselves, and what they want to see. I honestly struggle with thins a lot; being who I think people want me to be rather than who I actually am. Then there is the other extreme of a 180 degree angle. You may see God, but who are you reflecting to? No one can see you. It is you and God, but you are shut off to everything else. Now picture a 45 degree angle. Where people look at you and see God. It's a glorious thing, if you think about it. This thought has been in my head for the past few days. God gave me a question that I was looking for the answer. "What's your angle, Ryan?"

It's been tough. Honestly. It has been really tough trying to find the answer to a question that I really didn't even know how to approach. I couldn't see what it was, no matter how hard I tried. and it has been a struggle. But God answered the question. He does that often. He answered the question, "What's your angle, Ryan?", but not even a little how I expected him to.

Go back to the city. What does it look like? Can you get a full view of the city from inside it? If so, you either have the nicest, tallest building in the city, or it is a small city indeed. God gave this analogy to me, clear as day. I see my self as this city. I see the inner workings. I see my mind, and how it works, and how I think I am to the world. Good, bad, ugly; I see it all. But what kind of angle am I really looking at the city from. Ground view? Lame. It looks completely different if I take to the air. Say now, that you are in a helicopter, high above the city. Imagine how much different this city looks. You almost wouldn't be able to recognize it.

Today, I stepped back, and saw myself. Not how I see myself, but how others see me, as the result of a brutally hilarious and depressing work day. It wasn't easy. And it was painful for sure. But man, it did wonders.

See, we constantly try and see ourselves in a certain light. We try to see ourselves as better than we probably are in some aspects, and worse off in others. It's sobering, and amazing, however, if you can see yourself for how you really are.

I'm not going to drag this out, because I don't think I have to beat this one in, and I'm really tired.

Just ask yourself: "What's my angle?"

Identity Theft

I really don't know how I feel about things today. I think second rate properly describes it.

Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.

I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:

What do I have to offer the world?

I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.

No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?

And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?

And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.

Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.

And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts. 

Swimming to the Other Side

If life was a cake, this past week would be the most delicious of them all.

This past week basically brought to close the most amazing summer I have ever been alive. I don't even know what to say honestly. How can I summarize everything that I have seen God do this summer? Truth is, I can't. At all. Not even a little. But I'm going to try.

This summer started with a trip to North Africa. I am still processing it, to be honest. The things that I saw, the people I met, and the things I did. It was probably the hardest six weeks of my Christian walk hands down. It seemed so hopeless at parts, and the pace was slow at parts of it. But the secret was that there was still a pace. There was still movement; a forward motion in the direction of hope and salvation. It was like seeing a wave before it turns. There was a building of something, and while it may not come to a front in many years, it is still there, and there is still hope. Learning that there is hope in the darkest of places is a hard lesson, and it is terribly hard to stay strong throughout it all. But God not only helped me survive it, He helped me make a differences, albeit a small one. But every piece of the puzzle is equally important.

Coming back was hard. I hit the ground marching to a different beat. I couldn't quite come to terms with the hopeless feeling of the smallness of me. An abstract view of me and the few that went with me who were trying desperately to bring hope to the hopeless. We were so few, trying to do so much. But this was important, and an important part of my summer.

Shortly after, my Mom started her job as a pastor at Waters Memorial Church, and all that entails. Taking a church by the reins, and moving forward in the most incredible ways. One of the cool parts of this is seeing all that goes into the process, and all of the awesome people who are behind her, also driven by God, helping her lead this church in the direction God is calling it. It's not the largest congregation, but there is still a love for Christ, and a hope to expand a spread the gospel.

This may all seem like ramblings of different events, but it all makes sense. Hang in there for a bit.

Right after that, God pulled some of his crazy God strings, and opened the door for me to get a job that for all intents and purposes, I should not have. One of the hardships of last year was pulling money out of nowhere to help fund the ministries I'm called to. Not an issue for that. god made a way for this to happen through this job. So now there is a clear path to the places I'm called this upcoming year, which is the most amazing of prayers answered, because last year was cutting things extremely close as far as finances go. It was hard, but God has made a way to help this burden.

Through the mist of all of this, there was this girl. As there tends to be in stories with happy endings. She encourages me, and builds me up in the most incredible. I feel extremely blessed to have her, more than words can say. It's almost as if my walk with God is built up that much more, because there is someone there who encourages me in ways no one else does. It's amazing. Kaitlyn, if you are reading this, you bless me daily. This weekend was a perfect example. Out of nowhere, you are there, and made things so much brighter.

But everything made sense after this past week. I was on the Appalachian Service Project (ASP), where we go and build houses for a week. And one of the things that happens on this week is we have evening gatherings, and we sing a song or two, and then have some sort of awesome event planned. One of the songs perfectly tied my summer in a huge bow, and brought forth a new understanding. Friday night, everyone on ASP sat around and was talking about their biggest God moment of the week. and as I looked around the room it hit me.

The song is called Swimming to the other side. and there is a lyric in the song that says "We are swimming in the stream together, we are swimming to the other side". And it hit me. I saw the scope of things. A tiny fragment of where God is moving, and how great the movement is. Together we are moving forward for Christ. Or better yet, it's like this:


God is doing GREAT things in North Africa. I have seen it. It is incredible.

God is doing GREAT things in the Appalachian Mountains. There is a love poured out to the people, and a living gospel showed.

God is doing GREAT things in Waters Memorial Church. It is a small and mighty soldier fighting for God, and ever expanding.

God is doing GREAT things in the ministries at Towson University. He is opening doors for the most incredible movements.

God is doing GREAT things in me. Plain and simple. I see God in a light I never have.

Big. Small. It doesn't matter. The truth of the matter is that all of the believers are moving for Christ.

Or, in other words, we are all swimming to the other side. 

Too Perfect Paranoia

Something is so wrong. I don't know what. But it is. And it's all my fault.

This is a short post, because I don't have much time to expand.

Do you ever feel like you forgot to lock the doors? Or something along those lines? The awful, pit of your stomach feeling? Yeah. It's like that. I feel like somehow I screwed up or pissed someone off, to a terrible degree, and I haven't the slightest clue who or what. There are so many different people in my life, and I know that I have messed up.

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that things are going too perfect, and I'm not used to it. At all. Maybe I haven't messed up. But I know I have. I just know. I can't explain it, but I know without a doubt that it's true. I feel like I have so much depending on me, and I'm never supposed to mess up. If I do mess up, I can never show it. Ever. It runs in the family. I own my mistake to the people I wronged, but keep it hidden to maintain face. It's awful, but the way I work. But this is far different. I don't know. It's just odd.

So this is a shout out. If I wronged you, hurt you, messed up, stepped on your toes, or have done anything to upset you in any way at all, let me know. Please. I don't care how big or small. If I have wronged you, I need to know. And I know that I have wronged someone out there. I pray that they will read this, and let me know. Because I simply cannot handle the fact that I have hurt you. 

The Incredible Saturday

Normally, I try and find a creative way to start these things. But today I can't think like that. I'm far to awestruck.

Do you ever have a God moment that absolutely brings you to your knees? It cripples you in a moment of incredible glory? That happened this morning, eating a bowl of rice crispies. Of all places.

This summer has been one long continuous stream of blessings. And over breakfast this morning, it hit me how stupidly blessed I have been this summer. My hands shake at the thought of it. My legs feel weak. Just an awesome wave of God's AWESOME glory. And the thing that get's me about it, is why? Of all people out there, surely there are people who deserve the amazing blessings that God has laid upon me this summer more than I do. I'm not always faithful and good; I stumble more than I would like to admit in every aspect of my life, and yet the God of the Universe decides to bless ME with the incredible things that He has?

Woah. 


This past Saturday feels like a pivotal point in my story. And it's when I really started to notice how much God has blessed me. See, Saturday was incredible for three big reasons. First, it was Justin and Molly's wedding. Go get 'em you two. They have an incredible future together, I just know it. And my second reason comes from that. I feel like Saturday officially marks the end of College Park for me, and everything it was to me. Everyone that was there, any reason I would have of going back is gone. This is bittersweet in a way, because there were some freaking fantastic times at Pontiac St. And I will never forget them. I made friends like Kevin, Justin, and Chris that have really meant a lot to me. But, with that place there also lies the person I used to be, who I claim no ownership for. He is dead and gone. And this Saturday was the last nail in that Coffin. And then, to top off the incredible Saturday, this incredible girl decided to make me extremely happy. Somehow a guy like me getting a girl like her. I swear I don't deserve her.

But that's what I'm saying. I don't deserve ANYTHING. At all. At my core, I have been a scumbag full of treachery and sin. and God loves me enough to bless me like he has? I am incredibly awestruck.

This summer has been incredible. God is blessing me daily. And moving into the semester will be the same way. One of my best friends will not only be stateside, but living with me. I have a job that I should not have. I have a girlfriend that, as aforementioned, is a blessing every single day I get to know her. My classes are easy, my friends are around me, my God loves me.

That's all I can ask for, at the end of the day. Literally, all that I want. Absolutely everything. How can one NOT be awestruck? 

A Case of the Fears

I remember it as clearly as I write this. I was twelve years old, and I was scarred.

I had this dream, the first of many nightmares that I remember, in which systematically everyone I loved was ripped out of my life in gruesome and terrible ways. My family was killed off in different ways, moments apart from each other, and I was helpless, and could do nothing but watch.

I've had nightmares as long as I can remember. Dreams of mine more often than not, whenever I remember them, regardless of how they start, end terribly. I have countless recollections of one awful nightmare after another, and while I've learned how to handle them, at twelve, it was a completely different ballgame. I woke up scarred. Not in the night terror sense. I didn't wake up screaming or crying. I was petrified, and couldn't move being stricken with that kind of fear.

But it's odd. I've noticed that fear has a much different meaning these days than it did for me back then, although what I'm afraid of really hasn't. It just manifests itself in different fashions. We all know that terrible "boogieman, monster in the closet" kind of fear. The one that later on down the road we would pursue with horror films. But somewhere down the road, fear seemed to change, didn't it? It seemed to become less of what goes bump in the night, and more about what goes wrong in the day. I know some people have fears like snakes or spiders still, but for me fear is something completely different, and after talking to a dear friend, I seemed to notice that today.

I look back at those nightmares, and it was a combination of things that I was afraid of. The sheer imagery of seeing killed in that way was awful, but deeper than that, it was losing everything that I love. I know this is a major anxiety of many people, which I would actually venture to say every person, but it is the one thing in life, that one big fear that haunts me. In those dreams, it was physical. Seeing them all die. But nowadays, it's more the "What the hell did I just do?" kind of fear. That walking on eggshells feeling that seems to dictate my every thought. And I've been able to see that this fear has roots in many places.

Today I just filed for more college loans. I'm even more in debt. Awesome. I always get this tingling, nail-biting feeling when talking to the bank on the phone, because I am further driving home the pressure of getting a job to support a family (God willing) out of college. I love and hate this, because in one sense, it keeps me accountable, but on the other sense, there is a fear of letting down and losing the family that I don't even have yet. It may not be as gruesome as that dream when I was 12, but it is every bit as petrifying. Because in those dreams I was helpless. In real life, it would be my fault.

So, one must wonder, where do we go with a fear hitting us like a freight train? I can think of other things, and give my self a quick fix, a sort of mental bandaid, and be on my way. But I'm not fixing the problem here, I am only running from my fears. Thinking about it, what is the opposite of fear? For the nightmares, it would seem courage would be a respectable answer, but it doesn't seem to help a whole lot. A guy with courage can jump out of a plane with no parachute, but he will still end up as a splat stain on a sidewalk. For me, I would say that the remedy for fear would be peace. Peace is knowing the fears and anxieties of life, whatever they may be, and handing them over to Christ. When looking up peace, I found John 14:47. I smiled big at this:

"Peace I leave you, and peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid."

Two birds, one awesome, God shaped stone. It's that peace that we find in Christ that pushes us through it. That peace that says "I'm terrified Lord, help me out here". Because when we ask for His help, He gives it to us, and when we need Him, which is always, He is there. Peace is knowing that there is a reason we are jumping out of the plane with no parachute, and trusting that God will not let us down. So why should we worry?

I end with a ridiculous thought. In the process of writing this, a song came to my head; one I haven't thought of in ages. It's from veggietales. It says something like "God is bigger than the boogieman. He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV. God is bigger than the boogieman, and He's watching after you and me.

If that isn't the simple truth, than what is?