Solitude

One of the most powerful things in this world is thought. It is as wonderful as it is dangerous, and it has changed the world time and time again.

I find that I like to avoid thought altogether. The less I think, the less trouble that I seem to get myself into. I focus on working, getting through the day, and finding my bed in the late hours of night to do the process all over again.

It's incredible how isolated time forces you to think.

I'm in an apartment on my own. I have roommates, but I really don't care to get to know them. My friends are away. My family is far away. Sara is gone to Disney.

I am all on my own, for really the first time.

I'm not alone, because God stands beside me. It's the difference between loneliness and solitude. I'm simply isolated from the world. With lots of time to think.

This gives me the ability, and better put, the opportunity to better myself over the next two months. That's all that I have been able to think about as of late. How who I am fall so short of who I can be. I can be great if I put my mind to it. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm taking this summer and becoming the person who I know that I can be. When you close your eyes, and you see yourself as you always wished you would be; yeah, that's who I plan on being. No more being subpar. I can't do it. I'm focusing a lot on my music and my health this summer. I'm making my music so much better than it has ever been. And I'm getting really damn in shape.

I feel like, while the solitude is exceptionally painful, it is an opportunity that God has given to me. He knows my heart. He knows who I can be. I am here to serve him, and that is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm going to start stripping away the parts of me that I feel hold me back, like slothfulness and inactivity. I can't halfway do things anymore.

So, quite simply, I won't. 

Opening Doors

I know that no on one on earth knows their future. But even in all of my wildest imaginations, I could never, not in a million years, predicted my life as it is now.

Nine months. I put down this blog almost nine months ago. I was looking for something, and feeling restless, and I decided to start looking for whatever it was that I was looking for.

I still haven't found it. Not in the sense I was expecting.

I've learned so much about the person that I am, and the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I see things a bit clearer, albeit my life is far more convoluted than it was. As I have been kicking around the idea of picking this up again, I decided to read up on some of my old posts. I honestly don't think I was as lost as I thought I was, I think that I just didn't know what it was that I was looking for. It's like I was a caged bird, who had a really big, transparent cage. I knew, subconsciously, that I was trapped, but I didn't know how, or what was confining me, or why.

I had a few blog posts along the way that said I was tired of the mundane. That I was looking for something more. The last post put it as a 'lather, rinse, repeat' process. I think that this is how I was confined, and while I had two really seemingly obvious puzzle pieces, I never quite put them together. I didn't see that it was this process that was keeping me trapped. This is why I felt restless. I wanted freedom from it.

In the nine month hiatus, I really changed the song I was singing. God made so much clear to me, in such a simple way. God put things so simply to me, in the way that He is good at. He gave me this mentality that my life is so much more than myself. Seems simple enough. But It's a deeper thought than the simple idea of this. Take Ruth in the bible. Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz. All three of them had every reason to live for themselves, and to live the life that any sensible human would. But they put themselves aside, and paved the way for the coming of Christ, without ever knowing what they were doing. They were honoring God by completely humbling themselves to God and the world, and greatness happened from it.

I've always been one to try and help others, but I never really stopped to look at my motive. And I'm not saying that my motive has been bad, but it hasn't always been good either. But the more I think about it, I am wanting my motives to reflect the 'in the world, not of it' that I know I need to be living. I have really been coming to grips that my life is so much bigger than myself.

Someone I respect very much put it like this:

"Ryan, you are a great person. But your life is so fleeting. So you really have two options. You can live your life knowing that you are a great person, and trying to show and prove to the world that you are a great person, doing everything that you do for selfish reasons, or you could humble yourself and serve the world. No greed, or selfishness, or anything like that. So ask yourself: what are you living for? Yourself? Because that will only do you good while you are alive, and you could die tomorrow."

And I have taken this to heart very much. I know that I am here to serve. I am second. And I love that I am second. But there is a difference between fully serving and being a doormat. And I've done the doormat thing as well.

So it breaks down like this: I'm not living for myself, but I'm not forgetting myself either. I'm serving Christ. I'm serving the world. But I'm not forgetting that I'm in that picture as well. I'm second, but still here.

One way that this is reflecting, is by spending next semester in Disney. I'd say that this is quite a break from the mundane. I'm going down to be with my love, Sara. I'm not going to sugarcoat my Disney trip and say that there were many reasons that made me decide to go. I wanted to be with Sara. That's why I'm going. That being said, I'm not abandoning who I am and what my purpose is in the process. I'm going down for her, but I will be used by God, for sure. I'm going down with the mindset of a missionary. I will be in a place with people from all over the world. I'm sure that many of them don't know the love of Christ, or even what his sacrifice truly stands for. So I'm making it my personal mission to be a living example of who Christ is.

I hear a lot that I'm different. Most people just mean that I'm weird. But a lot of people see joy in me that takes them off guard. They don't know why I'm different, they just do. All of those differences, ALL of that joy comes only from Christ. That is His love in me. And I won't stop being different until everyone knows.

So all this talk, and it's still not clear. What did I learn in nine months? God has one crazy adventure on lined up on my horizon. And He will use me for something far greater than I can fathom. 

Closing Doors

I sit here with so much to say. But I find that there is no one to say anything to that would quite get it, and no words in my vocabulary that would quite do it justice.

Right now, I feel like I'm at this threshold. I'm, in a way, stuck. The roller coaster is moving, and I have to keep both arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. But in this case, the roller coaster is life. I'm stuck on it, and I don't have a choice. Before you read into this more than you need to, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid. I'm just really numb at this point.

I hate the lather, rinse, repeat these days. It's the same song and dance, day in and day out, with absolutely no chance of an adventure unless it involves something going wrong. I'm not complaining that things go wrong, and to that effect I know, understand, and actually am glad that there are struggles in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I am to complain about anything, it would be the skip in the CD. The part where nothing is moving forward. The track is stuck on the same beat of the same measure of the same song and it has been for a bit longer than I feel comfortable with.

And the odd thing of it all? I'm not upset about it. I hate it, and it's uncomfortable, but I'm not upset. I would be a liar if I said that I was pleased with everything in my life right now. But I would also, to that same effect, be a liar if I said that I was displeased. What gets me is that I really cannot find a single soul who I could explain this to that would get it. Not one person. And that isn't to say that my high and mighty struggles are 'so unique' and different from everyone else's, it's just to say that right now I don't know anyone that would get it. I feel like when I left Towson last semester to embark on my summer adventures, I had an incredible community here. Upon returning, I feel like there is barely anything left of what was. That's not a blow on anybody at all, it just feels far different than I remember, and I cannot explain why.

This is why, for now anyways, I'm taking an extended break from this blog. And from a few other similar things as well. I'm not going to talk all day, and not say anything that matters. We have limited time here on this planet, and I cannot be wasting it shouting to the stars, waiting for someone to hear. It changes nothing, and effects no one. I'm going to be finding my voice, whatever it may be, and find people willing to listen to what I have to say. I know my words aren't terribly important to anyone in particular, not even to myself, but if I can use them towards something good, instead of talking to empty space, that is how I will choose to use them. Shouting in to the dark is only effective if there are people there willing to listen.

So until then, I'll save face, keep walking, lather, rinse, and repeat. 

Good and Faithful Servant

It's a hard thing, discovering how much of your faith is talk. When the rubber hits the road; that's when you find out what God really means to you, and where He stands in your life. 

Fall retreat last year. Things changed for me. I had known about God, but never really known him. Not REALLY known him. I thought I did. But as you know, just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true. It was there that I discovered what God really meant to me, and I caught a small, tiny, minuscule sliver of how much He loved me, and it was entirely overwhelming. 

As I wrestled with my thoughts, and was discovering what my faith looked like through Christ, I discovered a passage that changed things. Matthew 25:14-28. 

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

With this, came a thought: What would be more amazing than to go home to Christ, and hear him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant"? 

So for roughly a year, I have been living with this mentality. In EVERYTHING that I do, I do it with this in mind. Would I be a good and faithful servant by doing X? 

The way I see it, is at the end of the day, you have to judge if what you are doing is glorifying to Christ. If it brings him glory. Are you living for him?

This is all easy to say, but like I said earlier, it's when the rubber hits the road that you find out how strong your faith really is. 

I've had tests of faith throughout the year. Plenty of them. Things that I have had to cling to God to get through. I haven't done good on all of them, and I would be a liar if I said that I walked through them all perfectly. I didn't, and haven't, and I still stumble. Often. But those were little battles, in the grand scheme of things. You may recall (if you read this ever), that my last blog was a little bit on the emo side. That is the result of a man who was going through the hardest three days he had faced in a very, very long time. And honestly, for a second there, it didn't look like things were going to go so great. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and angry at life. In many ways, I was seeing God's plan, and not liking where it was going. In many ways, being perfectly honest, I still am struggling with where it is going. But I have this amazing friend, who encouraged me tremendously. He broke it down like this:

It's so easy to follow God when it's what you want. It's like you are going with the current. You have the power of God pushing you in a forward motion. It's when God's plan goes the complete opposite way of what you want that you decide what's important. What does your faith mean to you? Is it like a membership card that you parade around, doing good works for all to see? One of those things to have just so people like you? Or is it something that you swore to follow, no matter the cost. No matter what it meant to you or your well being. You may not get God's plan right now. You may never get it until the day you die. But what's it worth to you?

In a way, I'm finding out how hard it is to be a good, faithful servant. But you know I'm sure, for what it's worth, that whatever demons I'm facing right now, and whatever hardships there are, absolutely melt away. They are nothing when you can hear Christ say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

And that's the light at the end of this tunnel that shines no matter where I am. 

Angles

Ding!

That's the sound of an epiphany.

This particular epiphany is brought to you by literally no sleep, a depressing work day, and a long car ride with very few working traffic lights. In case you were wondering.

So what is this epiphany? I can't outright tell you, because you won't read any further.

I want you to picture a city. You live in this city, and as such, you are always caught up in the daily workings of it. You don't leave this city, because you have no need to, and it doesn't cross your mind. Picture, for a second, what this looks like. The crazy, busy, insane workings, and the hustling of people, always scurrying about to their destinations.

Okay, now stop thinking about the city. We will come back to it in a second.

I've been having a lot of deep talks with a good friend, in which we have been talking about what we want to be for God. The idea of a mirror was brought up, and I like this idea, because I don't want to be seen, but instead want to reflect Christ. Sometimes, actually more often than not, I fail at this, but it is still a worthy goal to strive for. But there was an interesting thought that was talked about. I know this may seem odd to think about, but what is the angle of the mirror? See, it's easy enough to be a mirror. All you have to do is reflect what you see around you, good or bad. But what is the angle? If it's at a 90 degree angle, you just show someone themselves, and what they want to see. I honestly struggle with thins a lot; being who I think people want me to be rather than who I actually am. Then there is the other extreme of a 180 degree angle. You may see God, but who are you reflecting to? No one can see you. It is you and God, but you are shut off to everything else. Now picture a 45 degree angle. Where people look at you and see God. It's a glorious thing, if you think about it. This thought has been in my head for the past few days. God gave me a question that I was looking for the answer. "What's your angle, Ryan?"

It's been tough. Honestly. It has been really tough trying to find the answer to a question that I really didn't even know how to approach. I couldn't see what it was, no matter how hard I tried. and it has been a struggle. But God answered the question. He does that often. He answered the question, "What's your angle, Ryan?", but not even a little how I expected him to.

Go back to the city. What does it look like? Can you get a full view of the city from inside it? If so, you either have the nicest, tallest building in the city, or it is a small city indeed. God gave this analogy to me, clear as day. I see my self as this city. I see the inner workings. I see my mind, and how it works, and how I think I am to the world. Good, bad, ugly; I see it all. But what kind of angle am I really looking at the city from. Ground view? Lame. It looks completely different if I take to the air. Say now, that you are in a helicopter, high above the city. Imagine how much different this city looks. You almost wouldn't be able to recognize it.

Today, I stepped back, and saw myself. Not how I see myself, but how others see me, as the result of a brutally hilarious and depressing work day. It wasn't easy. And it was painful for sure. But man, it did wonders.

See, we constantly try and see ourselves in a certain light. We try to see ourselves as better than we probably are in some aspects, and worse off in others. It's sobering, and amazing, however, if you can see yourself for how you really are.

I'm not going to drag this out, because I don't think I have to beat this one in, and I'm really tired.

Just ask yourself: "What's my angle?"

Identity Theft

I really don't know how I feel about things today. I think second rate properly describes it.

Dumb question. But I have to ask. What exactly defines who you are? What qualities in you or about you sets up the person that people see when they see you, or more importantly, what you see when you look in the mirror? This is a really broad question, but a really basic one as well. I've been more concerned about this since I've been back at Towson than I have ever been. And it is a really odd thing.

I've always known who I was. From scumbag to straight away, I have always had a proper sense of identity of my own self, and the person I was choosing to be. Things were very much in black and white; good is good, bad is bad, and I know where I stand on this spectrum. Even when there is something that I am absolutely poor at, I would own it, and proudly wear the fact that I couldn't do something well. It was me being honest in the simplest of ways. But, and for the life of me I have no clue why this is, this has flipped on it's back hardcore in one week. There is no reasonable explanation for it, because really, nothing has changed. But I feel so inferior to everyone. And it goes back to another really dumb, really simple question:

What do I have to offer the world?

I know a lot of people ask this question. And I can hear people trying to comfort me by saying that I have so much to offer, and that I'm an... Blah. Blah. Blah. Ect.

No seriously. What is it that I have to offer the world? Past the surface level. Past what every single other human being in existence can offer. Underneath the human blueprint and mainframe, what is it that makes me really different from anyone else? Am I really that different from anybody else?

And this was the start. This was my exposed thread that I could not help but pull at. And pull. And pull. Before I knew it, I was starting to see less and less of a personal identity. Because I changed my set of questions. See, everyone has something. Everybody has that one thing that they are really good at. The one thing I try at is music. But I know so many people who run circles around me that it really strips away that identity from me, because I am, as stated earlier, second rate. Not the best. Not even close. So then, what is there? Stripping it down to the bear basics of being a human, what do I really, honest to God, have that really puts me into the category of being anything special at all? It certainly isn't intelligence. I'm not a smart person, I don't claim to be a smart person, nor will I ever be a smart person. I'm not really skilled at anything. I can swing a hammer and sing a song about as well about as anyone else in this world. It definitely isn't looks, because on a scale from one to ten, I would give myself a solid four and a half. So what the hell do I have to offer?

And this isn't me forgetting my faith, either. I can hear people telling me now that I have my faith to offer, and to a certain degree, this is true. But so do millions upon millions of people in the world who are far stronger in their faith than I can ever hope to be. I know that I am God's son, and that He loves me. But I imagine that I am like that one son who really never excels at anything, never amounts to anything, that God loves as the obligation of a parent.

Why? Because I am second rate. And right now, really, I don't have an identity. My thoughts have stolen it away from me. That's why.

And to clarify, I'm not sitting here as some depressed kid writing about how I'm worthless. That's not it at all. I'm actually having a rather good morning, I feel great, and I'm not working today. It's a good day. I'm just trying to figure out where my sense of identity has gone to, and really decide if there is anything for me to offer. These are just my thoughts. 

Swimming to the Other Side

If life was a cake, this past week would be the most delicious of them all.

This past week basically brought to close the most amazing summer I have ever been alive. I don't even know what to say honestly. How can I summarize everything that I have seen God do this summer? Truth is, I can't. At all. Not even a little. But I'm going to try.

This summer started with a trip to North Africa. I am still processing it, to be honest. The things that I saw, the people I met, and the things I did. It was probably the hardest six weeks of my Christian walk hands down. It seemed so hopeless at parts, and the pace was slow at parts of it. But the secret was that there was still a pace. There was still movement; a forward motion in the direction of hope and salvation. It was like seeing a wave before it turns. There was a building of something, and while it may not come to a front in many years, it is still there, and there is still hope. Learning that there is hope in the darkest of places is a hard lesson, and it is terribly hard to stay strong throughout it all. But God not only helped me survive it, He helped me make a differences, albeit a small one. But every piece of the puzzle is equally important.

Coming back was hard. I hit the ground marching to a different beat. I couldn't quite come to terms with the hopeless feeling of the smallness of me. An abstract view of me and the few that went with me who were trying desperately to bring hope to the hopeless. We were so few, trying to do so much. But this was important, and an important part of my summer.

Shortly after, my Mom started her job as a pastor at Waters Memorial Church, and all that entails. Taking a church by the reins, and moving forward in the most incredible ways. One of the cool parts of this is seeing all that goes into the process, and all of the awesome people who are behind her, also driven by God, helping her lead this church in the direction God is calling it. It's not the largest congregation, but there is still a love for Christ, and a hope to expand a spread the gospel.

This may all seem like ramblings of different events, but it all makes sense. Hang in there for a bit.

Right after that, God pulled some of his crazy God strings, and opened the door for me to get a job that for all intents and purposes, I should not have. One of the hardships of last year was pulling money out of nowhere to help fund the ministries I'm called to. Not an issue for that. god made a way for this to happen through this job. So now there is a clear path to the places I'm called this upcoming year, which is the most amazing of prayers answered, because last year was cutting things extremely close as far as finances go. It was hard, but God has made a way to help this burden.

Through the mist of all of this, there was this girl. As there tends to be in stories with happy endings. She encourages me, and builds me up in the most incredible. I feel extremely blessed to have her, more than words can say. It's almost as if my walk with God is built up that much more, because there is someone there who encourages me in ways no one else does. It's amazing. Kaitlyn, if you are reading this, you bless me daily. This weekend was a perfect example. Out of nowhere, you are there, and made things so much brighter.

But everything made sense after this past week. I was on the Appalachian Service Project (ASP), where we go and build houses for a week. And one of the things that happens on this week is we have evening gatherings, and we sing a song or two, and then have some sort of awesome event planned. One of the songs perfectly tied my summer in a huge bow, and brought forth a new understanding. Friday night, everyone on ASP sat around and was talking about their biggest God moment of the week. and as I looked around the room it hit me.

The song is called Swimming to the other side. and there is a lyric in the song that says "We are swimming in the stream together, we are swimming to the other side". And it hit me. I saw the scope of things. A tiny fragment of where God is moving, and how great the movement is. Together we are moving forward for Christ. Or better yet, it's like this:


God is doing GREAT things in North Africa. I have seen it. It is incredible.

God is doing GREAT things in the Appalachian Mountains. There is a love poured out to the people, and a living gospel showed.

God is doing GREAT things in Waters Memorial Church. It is a small and mighty soldier fighting for God, and ever expanding.

God is doing GREAT things in the ministries at Towson University. He is opening doors for the most incredible movements.

God is doing GREAT things in me. Plain and simple. I see God in a light I never have.

Big. Small. It doesn't matter. The truth of the matter is that all of the believers are moving for Christ.

Or, in other words, we are all swimming to the other side.