I sit here with so much to say. But I find that there is no one to say anything to that would quite get it, and no words in my vocabulary that would quite do it justice.
Right now, I feel like I'm at this threshold. I'm, in a way, stuck. The roller coaster is moving, and I have to keep both arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. But in this case, the roller coaster is life. I'm stuck on it, and I don't have a choice. Before you read into this more than you need to, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid. I'm just really numb at this point.
I hate the lather, rinse, repeat these days. It's the same song and dance, day in and day out, with absolutely no chance of an adventure unless it involves something going wrong. I'm not complaining that things go wrong, and to that effect I know, understand, and actually am glad that there are struggles in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I am to complain about anything, it would be the skip in the CD. The part where nothing is moving forward. The track is stuck on the same beat of the same measure of the same song and it has been for a bit longer than I feel comfortable with.
And the odd thing of it all? I'm not upset about it. I hate it, and it's uncomfortable, but I'm not upset. I would be a liar if I said that I was pleased with everything in my life right now. But I would also, to that same effect, be a liar if I said that I was displeased. What gets me is that I really cannot find a single soul who I could explain this to that would get it. Not one person. And that isn't to say that my high and mighty struggles are 'so unique' and different from everyone else's, it's just to say that right now I don't know anyone that would get it. I feel like when I left Towson last semester to embark on my summer adventures, I had an incredible community here. Upon returning, I feel like there is barely anything left of what was. That's not a blow on anybody at all, it just feels far different than I remember, and I cannot explain why.
This is why, for now anyways, I'm taking an extended break from this blog. And from a few other similar things as well. I'm not going to talk all day, and not say anything that matters. We have limited time here on this planet, and I cannot be wasting it shouting to the stars, waiting for someone to hear. It changes nothing, and effects no one. I'm going to be finding my voice, whatever it may be, and find people willing to listen to what I have to say. I know my words aren't terribly important to anyone in particular, not even to myself, but if I can use them towards something good, instead of talking to empty space, that is how I will choose to use them. Shouting in to the dark is only effective if there are people there willing to listen.
So until then, I'll save face, keep walking, lather, rinse, and repeat.
Right now, I feel like I'm at this threshold. I'm, in a way, stuck. The roller coaster is moving, and I have to keep both arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. But in this case, the roller coaster is life. I'm stuck on it, and I don't have a choice. Before you read into this more than you need to, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid. I'm just really numb at this point.
I hate the lather, rinse, repeat these days. It's the same song and dance, day in and day out, with absolutely no chance of an adventure unless it involves something going wrong. I'm not complaining that things go wrong, and to that effect I know, understand, and actually am glad that there are struggles in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I am to complain about anything, it would be the skip in the CD. The part where nothing is moving forward. The track is stuck on the same beat of the same measure of the same song and it has been for a bit longer than I feel comfortable with.
And the odd thing of it all? I'm not upset about it. I hate it, and it's uncomfortable, but I'm not upset. I would be a liar if I said that I was pleased with everything in my life right now. But I would also, to that same effect, be a liar if I said that I was displeased. What gets me is that I really cannot find a single soul who I could explain this to that would get it. Not one person. And that isn't to say that my high and mighty struggles are 'so unique' and different from everyone else's, it's just to say that right now I don't know anyone that would get it. I feel like when I left Towson last semester to embark on my summer adventures, I had an incredible community here. Upon returning, I feel like there is barely anything left of what was. That's not a blow on anybody at all, it just feels far different than I remember, and I cannot explain why.
This is why, for now anyways, I'm taking an extended break from this blog. And from a few other similar things as well. I'm not going to talk all day, and not say anything that matters. We have limited time here on this planet, and I cannot be wasting it shouting to the stars, waiting for someone to hear. It changes nothing, and effects no one. I'm going to be finding my voice, whatever it may be, and find people willing to listen to what I have to say. I know my words aren't terribly important to anyone in particular, not even to myself, but if I can use them towards something good, instead of talking to empty space, that is how I will choose to use them. Shouting in to the dark is only effective if there are people there willing to listen.
So until then, I'll save face, keep walking, lather, rinse, and repeat.
